Photo: Paramount Pictures
It’s that time of year again, when all you hear is the worst kinds of Christmas music (freaking chipmunks), never the good stuff (Bing), and the incessant scanning of Amazon barcodes (before the delivery person poops on your yard). Now, we’ve been making a list and checking it thrice, thus we’re aware that you’ve been an asshole all year. And so it goes without saying, you shouldn’t be allowed to buy anyone Christmas gifts this year, and that’s a favor to everyone for very 10 simple reasons, the least of which is you being an asshole.
Everyone knows Christmas is about spending time with the ones you love (and the other ones you avoid all year), practicing the gift of giving and the art of drinking too much eggnog. Since all that sounds like a gut-wrenching repeat of last year, especially the eggnog, we’re going to suggest you forego the tradition of Secret Santa-ing, terribly gift wrapping jobs and setting cookies and milk out for Santa, and instead pocket those cookies and find a nice elf to spend the holidays with. We can’t imagine milk is helping anybody accomplish anything anyways.
Now, like your favorite filthy remixes of “The 12 Days of Christmas,” we have hilariously stockpiled 10 simple explanations as to why you shouldn’t be allowed to go Christmas shopping for you A-hole friends this year, and it begins with how cheap you are, Scrooge.
10 Simple Explanations As to Why You Shouldn’t Be Allowed to Buy Anyone Christmas Gifts This Year
For more seasonal sensations: The Tastiest ‘Stranger Things’ Themed Drinks to Keep You Warm While You Binge Season Two (Again)
Xmas Shop
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You're Cheap As Fuck
Photo: NBC
You'll do anything out of buying people gifts as a general position in life, not just Christmas. You'll be single during major holidays, go out of town on Valentine's Day and skip birthday parties if it means you never have to buy people gifts. Also, you're cheap as fuck.
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Last Year You Bought Your Mom Something Sexy
If you don't know to buy your mom something for her kitchen, then you should skip it altogether.
And for those of you who think that's sexist, ask my mom how much she loves her kitchen, you sensitive pricks. She LOVES the kitchen supplies I buy for her and you cannot take that away from us.
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You Never Have Any Idea What's Going On
It's not that you don't care, but more like you just haven't been paying enough attention to care. Maybe you're still wrapped up in your weirdly erotic fantasy football sex cult with your friends.
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Jewish
We could just file this under our first point that you're cheap as fuck, but that would be an inappropriate assumption in the workplace. But being jewish does mean you can just play the Hanukkah card.
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You're the Recurring Drunk at Holiday Office Parties
You slipped yourself a Mickey one holiday party as an experiment only to find out that being the drunkest person at the party has its perks.
But now everyone has a camera on their phone, and you don't know how to not be drunk at the office holiday party. One time, you came disguised as Santa, but they were onto you pretty quickly when you used your classic move of urinating on Kathy's perky office ficus.
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Too High/Paranoid to Write To and From on the Gift
You were too high to remember most years so people just stand around asking "who's this one for...and from?" while you're busy being way too high in the corner staring at Kathy's ficus.
When you do remember to write your name on the gift, you forego it altogether as you're pretty convinced the government designed Christmas as a way to track you and the ones you love.
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You're the Asshole Who Tells People Santa Isn't Real
It started when you were five, telling Jimmy on the playground that Santa and the Easter Bunny aren't real. You still do it at age 36 to your friends' kids. Notice the plural form. You're telling multiple kids on a nightly basis, even when it's not the holidays.
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Christmas Day For You Looks Like...
More like this is the face of kids who see you on Christmas. Maybe you should quit buying them gifts thinking you're going down as the "coolest uncle" in history. You're creeping everyone out with your misinterpreted kindness.
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You Make Up Your Own Dirty Lyrics to Christmas Classics
You sound like your father hanging up Christmas lights right after the middle strand goes out for some unexplained reason. There's a lot of drinking and swearing, but to be fair that's just the alcohol and the holidays talking.
Usually, you're a real stand up guy, and you know all the words to '90s alt-rock songs. Fuckin' holidays, man.
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When You Dress As Santa, People Call the Cops
If people are a little iffy about inviting you to their holiday gatherings, chances are dressing up as a drunken version of the holiday figurehead isn't going to help.
Last year, you dressed as a leprechaun on St. Patty's and brought a caldron of urine to the party. That's not the pot of gold anybody had in mind, and now you're dressed as Santa and your dick is hanging out.
