A Stray Cat Is The Suspect In The ‘Attempted Murder’ Of An Elderly Japanese Woman

November 12, 2017

Photo: JOSE LUIS ROCA/AFP/Getty Images

I’ve heard of cats being “moody” animals, but this is pretty ridiculous.

According to Japan Today, an 82-year-old Japanese woman was found by her daughter “bleeding profusely from about 20 cuts to her face on November 6 at her home in the mountainous region of Mifune, Kumamoto Prefecture.”

Since Mayuko Matsumoto’s face above her chin was completely soaked in blood, police naturally thought that she was the unfortunate victim of an attempted murder but fortunate to still be alive. And since Matsumoto is unable to speak, police naturally thought that the suspect in that attempted murder was more than likely a human being.

Well, imagine their surprise when hospital workers cleaned up a good chunk of the blood covering her face and police realized that the scratches were probably from a psychotic cat. And a short investigation of the “stray cats loitering around Matsumoto’s house” turned up one filthy bitch whose paws were soaked with what appeared to be human blood.

Those blood samples from the cat’s paws are now being tested, and while it’s still unknown if the blood actually came from Matsumoto’s face, our advice for the cat is to lawyer the fuck up.

Cats can be real assholes sometimes: Beavis The Cat Is A Major Jerk

Tommy Gimler is a stand-up comedian, musician, writer, emcee and all-around good guy. He has worked hundreds of stages across the country, including those at The Laugh Factory, The World Famous Comedy Store and dozens of Improvs.

Tommy has had the pleasure of emceeing events for amazing clients such as Budweiser, Mitsubishi, Chase, Discovery, Animal Planet in front of thousands of people at events like the Super Bowl, X Games, U.S. Open, Little League World Series.