Header Photo: LEON NEAL/AFP (Getty) / Emily Barry (Twitter)
Another week, another batch of the funniest tweets collected for your viewing pleasure. Give them a read, and remember to follow these fine folks on Twitter. They’re not just putting their hilarious thoughts out there for their health, after all. Plus, if you’re just going to wind up repeating these jokes to your friends later and passing them off as your own, the least you can do is throw a little admiration their way. It’s only fair.
Follow @robfee on Twitter.
Funny Tweets 8-4-17
i get most of my entertainment by putting different colored gatorade in starbucks cups and telling people it’s a frappajappajooza pic.twitter.com/FY9YsEhJfe
— laylahmarie (@wellmanlaylah) July 26, 2017
Me: my super power would be knowing all the languages. How cool to be able to speak to anyone in the world
Also me: please don’t talk to me
— Angie B (@Angibangie) June 4, 2017
employee: hi welcome to subway what would you like to order
me: yeah could i have pic.twitter.com/Pko9PrP96m— CRY LIKE A MAN (@LeftAtLondon) May 30, 2017
Sure, I’ll watch that. It’s not like I’ve anything more exciting lined up pic.twitter.com/OBnMFVEGgt
— Reticent Turnip (@ReticentTurnip) July 17, 2017
It’s like dad use to always say, “You’re not my son, Get out of my yard.”
— Cat Friendship Club (@iLikeCatShirts) February 6, 2014
Well, that doesn’t seem like a proportional response. pic.twitter.com/PMQvxqquLe
— Mark Lazerus (@MarkLazerus) July 25, 2017
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
— Myrrh (@ixix82) June 1, 2017
My dog looks like she was drawn by a Medieval monk who had never seen a dog before pic.twitter.com/F27VwWFaNF
— Helen Rosner (@hels) July 16, 2017
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me— madds (@whatmaddness) May 8, 2017
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
— Chad Read (@squirrel74wkgn) February 20, 2017
*watches as both hands turn into devils*
*looks over sink*
HAND SATANIZER
“Oh, this is just great”— A Good Toilet (@ToiletMike) March 16, 2015
MISSING CAT
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.— Woody (@WoodyLuvsCoffee) March 13, 2016
One time my ex was really mad at me after we broke things off & he sent me this & never talked to me again pic.twitter.com/275VRQZgHo
— Andy Rogers (@AndyyRogers) July 24, 2017
I would die for Pottery Barn pic.twitter.com/2HRVePM7C6
— Eric (@toomanyerics) April 7, 2016
Wtf is Outback Steakhouse planning pic.twitter.com/l1CSafkdOK
— balenci-who? aga ☭ (@eatmyaesthetics) July 27, 2017
A series of unfortunate events pic.twitter.com/cJhmJ4ku3f
— TayTay (@TaylorWerling) July 25, 2017
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
— dorothy on peyote (@hellohappy_time) April 4, 2017
1. that phone cant run apps
2. thats a fucking panda https://t.co/xJcTVtKqMU— #1 girl kisser (@Sadayo_Kawakami) July 27, 2017
Michael Phelps definitely woke up fried as fuck one day, called discovery channel, and said im tryna race a shark what’s good
— Patty Bombs (@PatriickDoyle) July 23, 2017
“Wow 3 tattoos.. those are pretty permanent you know”
Me: wow 3 kids… those are pretty damn permanent CAROL
— Emily Barry (@EmiBarry) July 26, 2017
