Header Photo: FRED TANNEAU/AFP (Getty) / Jack Garratt (Twitter)
Another week, another batch of the funniest tweets collected for your viewing pleasure. Give them a read, and remember to follow these fine folks on Twitter. They’re not just putting their hilarious thoughts out there for their health, after all. Plus, if you’re just going to wind up repeating these jokes to your friends later and passing them off as your own, the least you can do is throw a little admiration their way. It’s only fair.
Follow @robfee on Twitter.
Funny Tweets 6-9-17
Keep up the good work, Wisconsin. pic.twitter.com/Nm4bMh5eG1
— stefan (@boring_as_heck) May 30, 2017
Imagine jumping over the # 1 player in the country for an poster dunk just to be called JayZ nephew.
He has a name.
It’s Beyoncé’s Nephew https://t.co/Z9UQOrBtJu— BRine (@BASSicallyB) May 31, 2017
— BISCUIT (@BlSCUlTS) May 30, 2017
CAN SOMEONE PLEASE EXPLAIN TO ME THE PHYSICS OF CASPER pic.twitter.com/k4KxjgMvPI
— Kibblesmith ⚔️ (@kibblesmith) May 27, 2017
Me: ugh I feel so fat and sad today
Brain: probably all that cereal you’ve eaten
Me: guess I’ll have some cereal to cheer up
Brain: wait no— Jack Garratt (@JackGarratt) June 3, 2017
If they’re scrambled, I can only eat two eggs.
If they’re Deviled, I can eat forty seven.
— Marta Effing (@MartaEffing) March 12, 2017
ME: “i hope the new TWIN PEAKS is weird enough to frustrate all of those ‘fan theory’ people who think art needs to be solved”
DAVID LYNCH: pic.twitter.com/7xor4h51Mh
— david ehrlich (@davidehrlich) May 30, 2017
twitter: white people don’t season their food.
me: oh really pic.twitter.com/jllAWGDbbo
— bobby (@bobby) June 3, 2017
When you forgot to hit send on a tweet for 10 years https://t.co/gyUQ8fBNJi
— Ron Swanson (@_MylesHigh) June 2, 2017
I was away from twitter for 2 hours pic.twitter.com/8iRwTso077
— Molly (@Molly_Kats) June 2, 2017
Whenever I’m sad, I remember that Chuck E. Cheese’s full name is Charles Entertainment Cheese. pic.twitter.com/j91LQycJIY
— Amy Dracula (@amydracula) June 4, 2017
This guy in the flat earth group keeps posting pictures of globes he’s thrown in the trash pic.twitter.com/lflOozTMtM
— stefan (@boring_as_heck) May 30, 2017
I can’t remember the last thing I did where going to sleep didn’t feel like a better option.
— Mr. Bea Arthur (@FuckabillyRex) May 30, 2017
so relieved I put myself on the path to an early grave
— keith buckley (@deathoftheparty) June 1, 2017
THESE DUMB ASSHOLES ARE HOLDING LEFT HANDS pic.twitter.com/mwn3qfYChr
— Phil Wells (@thephilwells) June 4, 2017
whoa what the hell am I the only one who always thought it was “frankenstein”?? having a real mandela moment right now pic.twitter.com/SpVIQy5peC
— RUMOKO (@RUMOKO) May 29, 2017
NELLY FURTADO: I’m suing you for stealing my name
DEMI LOVATO: But my name is Demi Lovato
NELLY: Right
DEMI: That’s different
NELLY: How
— REW (@therealeatwood) February 11, 2017
This negative review of that new Beetlejuice-themed bar in Hollywood makes me want to live there. pic.twitter.com/DHWDX2ZOCX
— Mike Dougherty (@Mike_Doc) June 1, 2017
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
— Steven W Skinner (@SkinnerSteven) March 28, 2015
ur wcw cries if she senses a difference in your tone and automatically assumes ur mad at her, it’s me, i’m ur wcw
— laney (@laneyrodg) May 30, 2017
