Header Photo: FRED TANNEAU/AFP (Getty) / Ellie Sisk (Twitter)
Another week, another batch of the funniest tweets collected for your viewing pleasure. Give them a read, and remember to follow these fine folks on Twitter. They’re not just putting their hilarious thoughts out there for their health, after all. Plus, if you’re just going to wind up repeating these jokes to your friends later and passing them off as your own, the least you can do is throw a little admiration their way. It’s only fair.
Follow @robfee on Twitter.
Funny Tweets 5-12-17
I put these glasses on chuck and he hasn’t tried to take them off for like 20 min…. he is really serving that look rn pic.twitter.com/skRpJwtMYd
— Mia (@aimmiat) April 28, 2017
My kids keep wrapping things up and giving me ‘presents’ for my birthday. It was cute until they gifted me my birth control. That was ironic
— Angie B (@angibangie) March 26, 2017
Prince Philip retiring is a scam. There’ll be an arena tour before you know it and a Best Of album in six months.
— Danny Wallace (@dannywallace) May 4, 2017
in honor of cinco de mayo, let’s revisit eazy-e wearing a hat under his sombrero pic.twitter.com/CANbvpw88A
— kailani (@kailaniskye) May 5, 2017
The worst snap of all time pic.twitter.com/9pabkcX57H
— Aaron Chewning (@AaronChewning) May 6, 2017
Shout out to angry ladies runnin’ around with rolling pins. You hardly ever see angry ladies runnin’ around with rolling pins anymore.
— George Wallace (@MrGeorgeWallace) May 5, 2017
ME: hey can i do something to help my grade
PROF: um…it’s May
ME: LOL sorry, MAY i do something to help my grade— Ellie Sisk (@elliesisk) May 2, 2017
wife: Drive safe
me: Ok
wife *sends text*
wife *sends another text*
wife *sends another text asking why I’m not responding to her texts*— Josh (@iwearaonesie) April 10, 2017
Left my window down at walmart & came back to a slice gone pic.twitter.com/j0eYxj3DrW
— Koon La Flare (@HecksNawBro) April 23, 2017
[getting good at writing love scenes]
“Touch my place,” she requested. “Touch my place until it goes all crazy.” Her partner did this.— vineyille (@vineyille) December 28, 2016
At the very least, you’ve got to use a smaller font, guys. pic.twitter.com/nlnoymR96h
— Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) May 5, 2017
My sister’s arm in this club photo looks about 6ft long I’m crying pic.twitter.com/FJU5eaJi5D
— el (@_ellebailey) May 1, 2017
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is taco
ME: four please
JUDGE: we’re not-
ME: with chips
JUDGE: ordering
ME: *lips on mic* extra guac
— Ally Gator (@notacroc) June 10, 2016
bob is dead pic.twitter.com/MPT59IB8Pa
— frog enthusiast (@trashlord5000) May 3, 2017
So how long until GoFundMe is our nation’s leading health care provider?
— Lon Harris (@Lons) May 4, 2017
me: i’m a very private person
someone: hi
me: so i’ll start by describing some of my lighter traumas before i get into the real bad stuff
— J. Jennifer Espinoza (@sadqueer4life) April 25, 2017
Sure, that’s a good slogan for a jewelry brand pic.twitter.com/8lnAWHkUF8
— Margaret Lyons (@margeincharge) May 3, 2017
Baby I don’t need dollar bills to have fun tonight. I love pic.twitter.com/MLrN1flCb5
— Myles Tanzer (@mylestanzer) May 6, 2017
From the looks of the fading family members, this kid’s journey back in time to make sure his parents get together isn’t going so well… pic.twitter.com/qvgyBUUH9B
— pat tobin (@tastefactory) May 4, 2017
might delete this later idk I just thought I looked cute pic.twitter.com/QTOTMdKZbC
— logan (@laogn) April 25, 2017
