Header Photo: Bethany Clarke (Getty) / andrewosenga (Twitter)
Another week, another batch of the funniest tweets collected for your viewing pleasure. Give them a read, and remember to follow these fine folks on Twitter. They’re not just putting their hilarious thoughts out there for their health, after all. Plus, if you’re just going to wind up repeating these jokes to your friends later and passing them off as your own, the least you can do is throw a little admiration their way. It’s only fair.
Follow @robfee on Twitter.
Funny Tweets 3-24-17
DEBATE CAPTAIN: You’re off the debate team
ME: No I’m not
DEBATE CAPTAIN: Damn. Where the hell was this guy at regionals?
— Nathan Usher (@thenatewolf) March 17, 2017
4yo son said the word prototype. When I asked him what it meant, he said “People are a prototype” and I was too scared to ask what he meant.
— Kristin (@FeralCrone) February 7, 2015
Whoever figured out how to eat an artichoke must have been really hungry.
— Queefimae Peluso (@JessimaePeluso) March 14, 2017
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson— phil (@PhilJamesson) December 15, 2016
aaron hernandez was moving packs and catching bodies, then would pull up to the stadium to catch 6/85/2 TDs on sunday in his off time.
— ASAHD (@ogbobbyjindal) March 20, 2017
as a child i asked my dad why the moon looks really really big sometimes and he said “simulations always have bugs” and i havent slept since
— jomny sun (@jonnysun) March 19, 2016
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
— Ian Abramson (@ianabramson) March 14, 2017
HOW GREAAAAT IS OUR GOD?! SING WITH ME HOW GREAAAT pic.twitter.com/ECDKDlKE06
— Jerron Reese (@CoachReese12) March 19, 2017
his palms are sweaty
knees weak
arms are heavy
there’s pic.twitter.com/wTjpK19Kub— dan mentos (@DanMentos) March 24, 2016
Boy, that escalated quickly. pic.twitter.com/zNroWwm368
— Daniel W. Drezner (@dandrezner) March 20, 2017
Me after saying no to mimosas at brunch once pic.twitter.com/cHILN3CXqN
— Kyle Patrick (@kyry5) March 12, 2017
hey
hi
hey 🙂
u up?
hey
how was ur day
hey
hey 😉
up?
hi
hey
chill?
hey
hey
hi
hey
what u up 2
hey
hey 😉 pic.twitter.com/8trOfZ3EpI— the garbage shit boy (@davedittell) August 19, 2016
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
— andrew chamings (@AndrewChamings) January 4, 2017
JURASSIC PARK is a movie abt how just bc something is great doesn’t mean u should bring it back and it has three sequels
— Anthony Oliveira (@meakoopa) March 16, 2017
*shakes wife awake*
*whispers*
Karen. Karen! Don’t make any sudden moves…he’s back again. pic.twitter.com/4Xb5jPfXPL— Lazer Cat (@Laser_Cat) August 20, 2014
i dont think ill ever get tired of trashing the new Mass Effect pic.twitter.com/jwXxdaRCtU
— Nathan Ranney (@RatCasket) March 16, 2017
My 7-yr-old announced we shouldn’t eat anything w/ over 6 grams of sugar and now she checks every cereal box
This house is a fucking prison
— stabbatha christy (@LoveNLunchmeat) March 18, 2017
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
— mo (@chuuew) February 2, 2016
Pretty sure my main job as a father of daughters is to make sure none of them become contestants on The Bachelor.
— andrewosenga (@andrewosenga) March 14, 2017
u know how sometimes ppl say ‘i shit u not’ well what if they did. what if they shit u
— shrimp eating mammal (@walruslifestyle) March 10, 2015
