Multi-ethnic superheroes standing police line up. Photo: John Lund/Sam Diephuis (Getty).
The law is the law. It is unbiased and staid. Sometimes, this objectivity can result in the arrest of someone who deserves the opposite — a prize. The following people are prime examples. Some were given leniency, others were let off the hook. Yet all were slapped with cuffs and taken to the jailhouse. In the spirit of Ozzy pissing on the Alamo, we present a dossier — this word is pretty fashionable right now — of folks who pissed on the establishment in their own special way.
Man Rams Station Wagon Through Gas Station Glass, Casually Steals a Banana
In January 2014, a man in Connecticut repeatedly backed his Ford Freestyle into the doors of a Citgo gas station. A brazen cash robbery? A revenge plot against the owner? No, he wanted a banana. “The suspect selected a banana from a shelf, peeled and ate the fruit, and then excited the store,” the police report said. “No other items were taken during the burglary.” He was caught on video camera with no apparent care in the world to conceal his identity. Only a care for a banana.
Perhaps he was low on potassium and it was an emergency. Perhaps he is a moron. The police, as of today, have yet to arrest this ballsy banana thief. Just one month ago, a similar perp committed a comparable crime. Is this the beginning of a banana crime wave?
90-Year-Old Arrested Twice for Feeding the Homeless
There is hope in Florida after all. A Fort Lauderdale nonagenarian by the name of Arnold Abbott set out to make the homeless happy. Since 1991, he has led the nonprofit Love Thy Neighbor, which aims to feed the unfortunate. Unfortunately for him, an ordinance had been recently placed on the books criminalizing “food sharing.” But Abbott was defiant. In late 2014, after giving away just four plates of food, he was stopped by a cop. “An officer said, ‘Drop that plate right now — like I had a weapon.'”
The penalty for food sharing is a short stint in jail and a fine of up to $500. But only five days later, Abbott was back on the street. This time, he brought an entire buffet. However, the cops let him do his thing until the homeless scraped up every morsel. “They were very gentle. I think they feel a little guilty about doing their job.”
Louisiana Mom Beats Her Kids With a Belt After They Rob a House
Schaquana Spears, a 30-year-old mother-of-six, was returning home from work when she received a call on the phone. It was her neighbor. He said he saw her three sons ages 10, 12 and 13, carrying what appeared to be stolen items. When Spears got home, the Wrath of Mom was unleashed.
Police were soon contacted by the Department of Children and Family Services. Her 13-year-old son said she hit him with an RCA cord. Her 10- and 12-year-old sons had minor scrapes and bruises from a good old belt-whipping. Spears was booked in East Baton Rouge Parish Prison for felony cruelty charges and was held on a $2,500 bond, which was paid by a stranger who “empathized” with her.
When the news broke in June of last year, one person on Facebook wrote, “She shouldn’t be arrested. She should be given a medal. I bet these boys think twice before burglarizing another house.” This was the ultimate consensus, because after a trial, Spears was exonerated of all charges.
Man Breaks Into Hot Car to Save Dog
One summer day in Athens, Georgia, a Desert Storm veteran named Michael Hammons became a hero. However, the owner of the Mustang he bashed into disagreed. In the 80-degree heat, a group of people gathered around the vehicle to see a pup in apparent distress. Michael Hammons, the 46-year-old canine savior, took initiative, using his wife’s wheelchair leg to break through the window. “I’ve got PSTD, and I’ve seen enough death and destruction. And I didn’t want anything else to happen if I could prevent it.”
The owner of the vehicle decided to press charges. She told the deputies she hadn’t been gone for longer than five minutes. But according to one witness, “It wasn’t just five minutes like the lady stated, it was a lot longer. I personally felt the heat in the car; I saw the dog panting. This dog was in distress.”
“We would not have made those charges on our own,” said the chief deputy. “The deputies on scene say the owner of the car and of the dog was very insistent he be charged with criminal trespassing.” So he was. But justice would eventually be served, because the charges against Hammons were dropped, and the woman was cited with negligence.
88-Year-Old Edna Jester Steals Neighborhood Kids’ Football
“I’m not a ball chaser.” These were the immortal words of Edna Jester, one grandma who took a stand in October 2008. While sitting on her porch as she always did, a football flew into her yard. Telling NBC-WLWT, “This is my life here in this chair, looking out that door, and all I see is playing the ball down and all over and all over. If it doesn’t come to my yard, OK, but if it comes to my yard, I’m going to get it. No trespassing.” Edna kept the football, and neighbor Paul Tanis, 40, called the cops. Police warned her that she’d be slapped in cuffs if she didn’t return the football, but Edna stood strong. The 88-year-old who has lived in her Blue Ash, Ohio home since 1949, was given a criminal record for the first time in her life.
Also: 10 People Arrested For Farting
Woman Plays “Highway to Hell” Too Loud and is Arrested Four Times
In 2012, New Hampshire native Joyce Coffey was feeling rebellious. She blared AC/DC’s “Highway to Hell” from her humble Epping home until someone called the police. They came and issued her a warning. She didn’t heed the warning, and she proceeded to blare the timeless rock classic at a higher volume. The police came an hour later and arrested her.
When Coffey was released, she apparently guzzled coffee and turned the volume up. She was arrested before dawn. The 53-year-old wasn’t done with breaking the law, so later that day she threw a frying pan at her nephew who showed up at her house to pick up some belongings. Once again, cuffs were slapped. The judge recommended that she use headphones and receive a psych evaluation. A psych evaluation for being awesome?
Man Drives Three Miles in Heavy LA Traffic in Reverse
He just wanted to go to his friend’s house. Gurgen Gukasyan deserves a medal for being able to drive his shitty Mazda three miles in reverse down North Glendale Avenue in 2011. Casually, Gukasyan had his right arm on the passenger seat with his head turned, driving 30 miles per hour down a highly congested freeway. So says Sgt. Tom Lorenz: “This is just sheer disregard for public safety.” Yeah, disregard for being uncool. “It appears that he did want to take that vehicle and have some fun with it.” That’s an understatement. He was cited for reckless driving.
Queens Man Arrested for Pimping Van with 80 Speakers and Bumping Shit Hard
Police received a call from inside the New York Mets stadium, Citi Field, one night in June of last year. Someone was playing music so loud that even the bullpen took offense. It was Nelson Hildago, a 47-year-old Queens resident who loaded his van with so much audio gear, that it shook 35th Avenue. When an officer showed up, he said that his cruiser windows were vibrating and his “ears began ringing.” When confronted by the cop, Hildago gave his alibi: “I know it’s illegal, but it’s the weekend.”
English Man Arrested for Mobility Scootering While Drunk
In August, 62-year-old Michael Ernest Green of Skegness, UK, really wanted a happy meal. So he strode his mobility scooter up to a McDonald’s drive-thru and demanded his due. The burger-flippers refused to grant him his order because mobility scooters weren’t allowed at the drive-thru. So Green refused to move. In what is perhaps the most ableist incident in 2016, police arrested him for drinking and driving a “carriage.”
Yes, Great Britain has an 1872 law still on the books which was originally meant to criminalize being blitzed on a carriage, steam engine, horse, or cow. It takes cojones to stand up to an unforgivingly ableist society, and for that, Michael Ernest Green, we thank you.
