Header Photo: LEON NEAL/AFP (Getty) / AmberTozer (Twitter)
Another year, another batch of the funniest tweets of the week collected for your viewing pleasure. Give them a read and remember to follow these fine folks on Twitter. They’re not just putting their hilarious thoughts out there for their health, after all. Plus, if you’re just going to wind up repeating these jokes to your friends later and passing them off as your own, the least you can do is throw a little admiration their way. It’s only fair.
Follow @robfee on Twitter.
Funny Tweets 1-6-17
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
— Olly Domino (@Chumpstring) December 30, 2016
These bowling alley ads don’t seem to know what bowling is. pic.twitter.com/aI69zWmmuF
— Jessie (@NicCageMatch) December 24, 2016
Please…my son. He’s very sick pic.twitter.com/U009PoP6hh
— mary (@berfuhnator) December 29, 2016
me: I’m planning on killing myself today farewell everyone
yall: if this aint me!!!— pyt (@yeseniatwigs) December 24, 2016
They charged you a dollar for the hell of it https://t.co/X76JLsejko
— Dr. Drunkle (@Pattric) December 27, 2016
If life begins at conception then I can use the carpool lane for the next few days
— Megan Amram (@meganamram) December 23, 2016
BOSS: Hey some parts of the film aren’t in English. Can you put subtitles in?
ME: I’m on it pic.twitter.com/SZdRyo6r2i— The Pan-Midwesterner (@panmidwest) December 29, 2016
— the legal female (@feelssick) December 29, 2016
Did this really happen pic.twitter.com/a6KNGFWq1G
— Brendan O’Hare (@brendohare) December 23, 2016
you go to take a bite out of a chocolate bar when your dog tackles you from across the room. “nooooooo, that’s poison!” he says.
— sleigh-chelle mandik (@rachelle_mandik) December 31, 2016
STOP PLAYING W ME 2K16.
please be asleep. please be asleep. please be asleep. please be asleep. please be asleep. pic.twitter.com/9pERgiOfM5
— berhana (@amainberhane) December 28, 2016
Hope I see someone get attacked by a bird today I could really use it
— AmberTozer (@AmberTozer) December 20, 2016
Trump isn’t like a Manchurian candidate. In the “Manchurian Candidate” the Manchurian Candidate didn’t tweet “I’m a Manchurian candidate.”
— William K. Wolfrum (@Wolfrum) December 30, 2016
COSTUME GUY FOR BLADE RUNNER 2049: “Mr. Ford, it’s time for your costume fitting”
HARRISON FORD: “Fuck you” pic.twitter.com/GGi89fohMg
— Abraham Riesman (@abrahamjoseph) December 21, 2016
[Changes Siri to male]
ME: Siri, tell me the—
MALE SIRI: Listen, here’s what you need to know.
ME: I…
MALE SIRI: Excuse me, I’m speaking
— REW (@therealeatwood) March 8, 2016
I can’t stop thinking about this. “I’m gonna have to go ahead and disagree with you on this one, Auschwitz” pic.twitter.com/Fz9zVv65La
— Patrick Monahan (@pattymo) December 29, 2016
My nephew woke me up at 6 to announce “it doesn’t matter if you’re good or bad because I was really bad and still got presents”
— Kelly (@kellyhunnybunny) December 25, 2016
You guys asked for it pic.twitter.com/gO4SduKpec
— Coop (@PzCoop) December 20, 2016
What kinda snitch ass Children of the Corn type shit…. https://t.co/9fCTyN7zp3
— new year, new skeet. (@HBfromKC) December 27, 2016
MY MOM HANDED ME A GIFT SO I OPENED IT AND SCREAMED REALLY LOUD BECAUSE I THOUGHT SHE GOT ME A DILDO BUT ITS REALLY JUST A YETI CUP HOLDER pic.twitter.com/bLJnTxDf1B
— shoobert doobert (@robertsshelby57) December 25, 2016
