Photo: Halfdark (Getty)
Ah yes, the holidays are here (and here are some wolf panties you can get your lady for Christmas), and you know what that means. Tightening the wallet so you can afford to buy people you barely like (kids included) stuff they don’t need. No, you’re just stingy or poor, and these are the 10 tell signs that you’re just that. Here’s to another year of freezing your Christmas ass off so Timmy can get another shiny truck for you to slip on in the kitchen. It’s another Christmas miracle! Boy, those sure are great. Well, that said, check out the signs below!
Well there you have it, folks, and if you do any of the things above, chances are you are super cheap. Then again, it can also mean that you’re just super poor. But regardless, here’s hoping you don’t freeze this winter. If you think you will, steal some firewood from your neighbor.
Or, if you live in a hot state, don’t worry about all this. That is unless you live in Florida, then we seriously feel bad for you.
Now read about these cheap folks: The World’s 10 Biggest Cheapskates
Winter Tell Signs You're Cheap
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Your Christmas tree lights are only half blinking
Where did the blinking lights come from, did you buy them that way? It’s hard to remember, since they are five different strands from the past decade overlapping, only half of which work. You’ve replaced so many bulbs on these light strands, you’re practically a licensed electrician, and your neighborhood calls you Clark Griswold around the holidays (OK, all year). Now, if you can only manage not to burn the house down again.
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The Nativity scene on the front lawn has a stuffed animal filling in for baby Jesus
It’s hard keeping all the pieces in tact and in good condition, what with all these gypsy nomads looking identical. It’s easy to lose track of one, but the baby Jesus, really? You’re not going to splurge to buy a whole other Nativity scene, and the Cabbage Patch dolls from your childhood all have fleas, so you go with a well-dressed Cookie Monster. Who’s going to notice from so far away? Yeah, that’s right. I stole your Jesus fish.
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You use your hairdryer to keep warm in lieu of turning on the heat
If you’re not hovering hands over the tea kettle while it warms your water, you’re most certainly taking your time in the bathroom. Ah, hot air. You haven’t felt it in days. Just a few more minutes, or until your brittle hair begins to break. Maybe you use it on your entire body. Hope you remembered to pay the electrical bill on time for once.
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The term “gift wrapping” usually involves old newspaper and electrical tape
You take your favorite comedy strips of all time, have a little too much to drink and then just start wrapping. Sure it looks like they fell off the delivery truck, and that’s the excuse you might use, but its what’s inside that counts, which is also ugly, cheap crap.
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Your Christmas wreath is made of your neighbor’s tree scraps
Why would you go out and waste money on an overpriced wreath when you can be eco-friendly and recycle your neighbor’s garbage? It’s not the first time it’s happened. You tell people you’re going green, but that’s only because you’re a stingy little shit. Let us guess, you’re also recycling Christmas lights off their outdoor decorations.
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And you’re still stealing their firewood, too
You decided to buck up and build a fire, since you’re damn well not going to use the heat. So you decide you might as well continue stealing firewood from your neighbors and hope they don’t notice. That, or you’re cutting down the less-noticeable trees in the middle of the night and using it as your Christmas tree. Either way, you blame the government for your actions.
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You skipped your family’s Thanksgiving to wait in line for Black Friday
Sure, there are lots of good deals on Black Friday, but is it worth getting your head stomped on to save $5 on a flea-free Cabbage Patch doll? In the words of Bills Burr, “If you can’t afford it, just admit it.” Go with less, because it’s the kids who grow up poor who end up working harder. Who cares if you haven't seen the family all year. You got that brand new (refurbished) TV for 50 bucks less, even though you’re too stingy for cable. Let us guess again, you’re going green?
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You still saran wrap your windows
Hey, it kind of looks nice, you know, if you spray fake snow stencils on it? Right? No, no it doesn’t. It looks like you’re turning your house into a poorly constructed fort that could cave in at any moment. Take the saran wrap down before you suffocate yourself with it. Get some blankets and build a fire for Christmas sake.
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You hang hard-to-reach Christmas lights with two boards you duct taped together with two nails at the end
You fashioned it from an old fishing rod until the tree got too tall, and now you’re just duct taping a new piece of wood to it each year in hopes that this sideways slop job will manage to get the lights to the top of the trees outside. You’re like the drunken love child of Boba Vila and MacGyver. Try not to fall off the roof again this year.
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For your Secret Santa, you donated to a fake charity in their honor
You're welcome.
