Photo: SbytovaMN (Getty)
It’s that time of year again, that painful night when single losers are forced to make even bigger assholes of themselves dressing up. It’s a lose/lose; should you go all out, you’re quickly deemed a creep, and by half-assing the costume, you’re an asshole. The best thing you can do is find an easy costume that’s not only current but pokes fun at someone else just as much as yourself, wrapped in duct tape and coated in spray paint, too, of course.
We have a few Halloween costumes we think you’ll enjoy, and girls, this goes for you too. You could easily go as…
The P**** Grabber
Photo: NBC/Saturday Night Live
Like a drunken lunatic with troll hair mouthing off like a reality show host (oh, wait), Donald Trump is likely to the biggest presidential face mask joke costume of all time. That’s because he’s the biggest political joke of all time. But it’s much more fun if you make it from scratch.
Use any SNL clip from the last year and you’ll find what you’re looking for. And you thought smoking your weed through your George W. mask was funny.
All your costume needs: A ridiculous wig of a wig, orange spray-tan and tiny grab hands, or zero preparation at all for the big event.
The Biggest Loser
While we’d pay good money to hear Harry Caray scream “Cubs win! Cubs win!” we’ll settle for Bill Murray dancing in his seat. While the Giants have been baseball…giants the past few years, the Cubbies showed them what’s up as they surge their way to the World Series in hopes of not having one really shitty fan in the left field bleachers this time through. You can go as the biggest loser as a Giant, or stick with the Cubbies (and Bill Murray) for the win.
All your costume needs: Giants jersey or “I Ain’t Afraid of No Goat” shirt.
A Classic Callback
There’s a lot of importance in being Ernest P. Worrell, especially since Ernest Scared Stupid is one of our favorite Halloween films. Ernest’s costume is essentially dressing like a normal guy (for the ‘90s), which is what every single loser would prefer to do when going to a Halloween party. Though you won’t look as cool, you’ll definitely be paying homage. Or just go as the troll.
All your costume needs: Demin vest, khaki hat, grey undershirt and priceless sense of humor.
A Waste of Time
Photo: Gorilla Tango/GhostBustier
One of the biggest summer sequels as well as one of the longest awaited sequels, the lady Ghostbusters scared everyone out of the seats with their reinvention. The beginning to a franchise rebirth was quickly quieted, and while this costume is nothing new to sexy Halloween goers, it’s blanketed in shame this time around.
All your costume needs: Khaki jumpsuit, ugly glasses, a couple good ghostly one-liners.
The Trendiest Excuse to Dress Slutty
Thank goodness for Margot Robbie and Suicide Squad, even if it was a shit film full of nothing but overhype and misleading previews. Harley Quinn has been a popular outfit in public well before Halloween was even a thing, so don’t be surprised if your lady friends are decked out in face paint and little to no clothing. Check out some of the hottest Harley Quinns.
All your costume needs: White face paint, sequin knickers, baseball bat and terribly chosen friends.
The Plagiarizer
Photo: eBay
Melania Trump stunned America with her Republican Convention speech, and not in a good way. Ladies, it would be easy to pull off this costume, especially if you don’t mind popping out the girls and playing the repeat game. But if you’re hoping to go as a pushover, try going as Lester Holt and let everyone talk over the top of you all night.
All your costume needs: Awesome rocking boobs, poor English accent and no original thoughts.
The “My Giant” Talk Show Feud
Photo: ABC
At the start of the year, Kelly Ripa and Michael Strahan were an unbeatable power couple on the morning talk show circuit, but a riff flew between the two earlier in the year when Strahan decided to go with a bigger promotion. You can’t stop a boy from following his dreams, even if Kelly Ripa is totally hot. Or you could go as Kelly & Michael dressing as other people, since they were so good at that. But if you’re a little broken white boy, maybe go with the spray tan and ventriloquist strings and be Regis (you know because he’s so old, burn!).
All your costume needs: Gap-tooth, powerful laugh and a cute blonde dumb enough to go with you.
The Big Booty Kanye Cover
Photo: Instagram
Kanye West’s album The Life of Pablo got the big booty treatment when Kim Kardashian picked out Sheniz Halil’s big round bottom for the front cover. Not just anyone can pull off this kind of bum so you may have to get creative with it. Or just go for the funny costume and dress as Kim Kardashian getting robbed. That’s funny, right?
All your costume needs: A ginormous booty (or a prosthetic) and the tiniest clothing.
The Mistaken Oscar
It took awhile for him to get there, but we’re still not sure if it was an accident or not. Our eco-friendly, womanizing modern day Gatsby is a half lover and half fighter, but only when he’s not covered in a bear carcass. If you want all the ladies this Halloween, you’ll go as sweet Leo DiCaprio.
All your costume needs: A dead horse, a hungry bear or a penchant for fixing global warming while banging out countless models, and a lopsided goatee. Or the whitest suit you can find and a cane.
The Gross Male Version of Paris Hilton
Photo: Twitter/Josh Ostrovsky
It’s about time men got equal rights as women when it comes to entitled fame for fame sake alone. A man who needs no introduction because he has an Instagram bio, and a man so hated by some for his joke stealing that he had to cancel a book event. Who cancels a book event due to violent threats? Say hello to The Fat Jewish.
All your costume needs: Bad at haircuts, good at stealing jokes.
