Some folks say that the knock-knock joke dates all the way back to Shakespeare, but such a sophisticated origin really only makes them that much less palatable. Dear Bard, how far we’ve fallen. Thankfully, at this point, no one mistakes knock-knock jokes for high art. Still, they don’t seem to go away. But with such history, we can at least see the tracings of learned society within the stupid framework of the simple setup and WTF delivery. Not that that’s what this list seeks to do, but at least it makes listing the most f–ked up knock-knock jokes seem more like a social experiment than just a quick plunge to the depths.
1. Shitty Joke
The Joke:
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Wanda Smellmop.
Wanda Smellmop who?
No, thanks, I’m not into scat.
Why It’s F–ked Up:
Because some people actually are into it.
2. Sacrosanct Joke
The Joke:
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Some!
Some who?
Some asshole talking to a knock-knock joke.
Why It’s F–ked Up:
People have been adhering to the perfectly constructed ask/answer knock-knock setup for hundreds of years. It’s a pillar of comedy, ergo, a cornerstone of our mildly successful free society. Without such cornerstones, societies, particularly free ones, fall like sand castles in rough surf. Without respect for the knock-knock, what have we? Who are we? Just animals at sea.
3. Hilarious Cancer
The Joke:
Why It’s F–ked Up:
There’s really nothing funny about an interrupting anything. Let the joke play out with dignity. What happened to bedside manner?
4. Shorties Are People, Too!
The Joke:
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
A little boy.
A little boy who?
A little boy who can’t reach the doorbell.
Why It’s F–ked Up:
Because short people have real issues that you tall f–kers don’t understand! How could you, when most of the time you aren’t even aware us short folks are down here? Look down, man, there’s a whole world of unrecognized souls below. And if you’re not careful, we’ll rise up and take out your knees.
5. Sister F–king
The Joke:
Why It’s F–ked Up:
Autocorrect is an epidemic, and it’s spreading from our phones to our brains and then seeping its sickening way into our most base behaviors. And that’s why sisters aren’t sharing nicely the way they used to. Of course, the joke assumes that the girl who’s hearing about such boyfriend-sister-sinning is actually upset by the news. Maybe she’s cool with it. Maybe she’s turned on by it. Who are we to judge her? If the sisters want to sleep with the same lucky guy, let them. And please let those sisters be Swedish twins.
6. Shitty Timing
The Joke:
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Justin.
Justin who?
You’re Justin time to wipe my ass!
Why It’s F–ked Up:
Think about it, if you’re knocking on someone’s door before you’ve wiped your ass, then you’ve obviously gotten up off the toilet mid-shit. Finish the job! Then wash your hands, Justin, you disgusting, sordid bastard.
7. Keep the Lord Out of It
The Joke:
Why It’s F–ked Up:
Honestly, any joke that spins me into an introspective philosophical quandary isn’t serving joking’s root purpose in the first place. Especially since after six dark hours in such a wormhole, I’ve determined that there is a god, her name is Karma, and she’s still not over how mean I was to Danny Brooks in elementary school.
8. Drowning Goofy Bastards
The Joke:
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Dwayne.
Dwayne who?
Dwayne the bathtub, I’m dwowning.
Why It’s F–ked Up:
If this drowning person is able to speak so clearly (granted, with a bit of a speech impediment) then how close to drowning can they really be? “Saving” such a wolf-crier would be wrong, plain wrong. And even if there is an actual risk of drowning, what human capable of speech would really need help draining a tub? Perhaps someone mentally challenged? Or a quadriplegic? Or a child? And while joking about kid-killing or retards isn’t all that f**ked up, I simply can’t condone quadriplegic jokes, accept that one about Bob, the quad in the pool.
9. When Death Comes Knocking
The Joke:
Why It’s F–ked Up:
Because if Death is cruel enough to not just knock, but to perform a little knock-knock routine while he’s at it, then Death is even scarier than I’m imagining him.
10. The Point
The Joke:
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Go f–k yourself.
Why It’s F–ked Up:
Because this is by far the best joke I could find after scouring the depths of this gargantuan Reddit thread asking if there are any knock-knock jokes that are actually funny. After hours of torturous research, I have determined there are not, and that banging my head against a brick wall would have been better for my brain than what I just put myself through to write this list.
