Another week, another batch of the most hilarious tweets, compiled just for you. Be sure to follow these guys and gals, and check back here every week for more jokes you can tell your friends and pretend you came up with them. They’ll think you’re hilarious, but inside you’ll be cold and dead.
Follow @robfee on Twitter.
my review of the sun:
one star
— Timmy™ (@TheTimmyToes) May 25, 2016
The main difference between the game of thrones books and TV show is that it was waaaaay easier to ignore the books.
— TheRollman (@Rollmaninoz) May 24, 2016
I’ve reached the final level. pic.twitter.com/xyQIkylqPJ
— O(tires) (@ohlol) May 24, 2016
[wife going through my phone]
ME: no stop!
HER: omg
ME: *hangs head*
HER: where in the world did you find nude pictures of Carmen San Diego— Daddy Momax (@rockymomax) May 27, 2016
My erotic Home Improvement fan fiction is “coming” along nicely: pic.twitter.com/eVnmDq3I84
— Pixelated Boat (@pixelatedboat) May 25, 2016
me (drunk in a laundromat): which one of these portals leads me to narnia
— forsooth, it’s keith (@ghostkrogh) May 27, 2016
life arrived extremely quickly pic.twitter.com/3vuEbu0pbU
— shrillary tintin (@theshrillest) May 27, 2016
DID U KNO: it takes 3564 muscles to be torn apart by sharks but only 24 muscles to smile
— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) May 23, 2016
️ #WhiteBoySuccess pic.twitter.com/ebVYXK6pwv
— White Bball Pains (@WhiteBballPains) May 26, 2016
[wakes up with a hangover] uhh what happened last night
[Carrot Top in bed beside me] Good morning
[Me] Carrot Top my love, what happened— Rad Kyle (@KyleMcDowell86) March 11, 2016
Jerry just tryna watch Russ work and his life crumbles to pieces on the TL pic.twitter.com/YH3jyyvgeC
— Tweetgood Mac (@SnottieDrippen) May 25, 2016
To everyone who has had sex with me and thought it was bad: did you ever consider that maybe I was kidding??
— Chris Thayer (@ChrisThayerSays) May 26, 2016
a naked girl can get a thousand retweets, but how many can our troops get? pic.twitter.com/MNoWJCwtoO
— alli (@vvexedd) May 29, 2016
NO BEANS ALLOWED AND HAMMERS COST $500 IF YOU NEED ONE
–courtesy of Canada pic.twitter.com/fyOejeUj2f— Her Tall Boots (@fuzzlime) January 24, 2015
[skipping stones on lake]
DATE: it’s such a beautiful evening
ME: *whispering* take that you fucking lake
— g-wix (@trojansauce) November 24, 2015
I didn’t catch the details but apparently Trump’s economic plan is to gladly pay us Tuesday for a hamburger today??? pic.twitter.com/ej39Xf3jaG
— Big Sexy Jeb! Lund (@Mobute) May 23, 2016
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: Yes
Interviewer: What?
Me: Sorry, I thought you asked if I was listening— ghost mom (@radtoria) April 21, 2016
— Bea_ker (@bea_ker) May 21, 2016
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
— Dan Polish Last Name (@danjan13) November 11, 2015
apparently last night I drank too much and came up with a list of really average superpowers pic.twitter.com/Wb4BcAvh5J
— dan (@oxygenplug) May 23, 2016
Want more? Check out last week’s hilarious tweets.
