This Week's 20 Funniest Tweets

Another week, another batch of the most hilarious tweets, compiled just for you. Be sure to follow these guys and gals, and check back here every week for more jokes you can tell your friends and pretend you came up with them. They’ll think you’re hilarious, but inside you’ll be cold and dead.

Follow @robfee on Twitter.

“Congrats” is my favorite because it says “I’m happy for you, but not happy enough to write a 15 letter word. Let’s not get crazy”

— Jess (@jessokfine) May 12, 2016

it is important to set the bar low so that no one can ever hurt u pic.twitter.com/ftqq6vIM61

— mitra jouhari (@tweetrajouhari) May 20, 2016

It’s someone’s job to keep inventory of the Muppets & they’re in charge of like the sign-out sheet for if u need to borrow Gonzo for an hour

— Tom (@Tom_Vom) May 22, 2016

“I have a gf…. She goes to a different school” pic.twitter.com/1xyeIolq1X

— steph stone (@stephstonenails) May 15, 2016

Hold a door for a lady and you’re a gentleman.

Hold a REVOLVING door for a lady… and you’re a dick according to this lady I’ve trapped.

— Bob Heller (@Bob_Heller) May 24, 2013

I hope the real live forever and the fake get exposed pic.twitter.com/1XAEPpsq20

— Hassan Whiteside (@youngwhiteside) May 22, 2016

[1st time buying drugs]

Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana

Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*

Me: hell ya

— Derek Nelson (@ProdigyNelson) December 3, 2015

So I went hiking today and I thought that this bear died for a second pic.twitter.com/AW3YzsrBrM

— Sr. G.O (@sergiogarcia_4) May 13, 2016

[divorce settlement]

JUDGE: Your ex-wife is claiming you have spent her money extravagantly

ME: [Segways up to mic] She’s lying

— Jon (@ArfMeasures) May 16, 2016

Me – when someone says “lets go to the strip club” https://t.co/uaGDEIYnfS

— Yung Panic Attack (@AndyMilonakis) May 22, 2016

Doctors to video game characters are like “No matter the injury, just hide behind some crates until you start seeing colors again.”

— Kumail Nanjiani (@kumailn) May 15, 2016

patiently waiting for bae to come home for dinner after u catch him bein shady pic.twitter.com/NsttTaFoyY

— erin gilfoy (@goddess_eriu) May 16, 2016

my FAVORITE feature of a romper is peeing in public restrooms fully naked

— miel (@mielmonster) April 28, 2016

Dawg this random bird trying to get me to adopt him pic.twitter.com/hqZbk7DNLp

— Drew Kelly (@ifiwasperfect) May 21, 2016

These are the stewards of the public discourse pic.twitter.com/GcwPTQDuMG

— derek davison (@dwdavison9318) May 21, 2016

Is Gandalf his first or last name?

— Taylor of 21 Pielets (@markhoppus) May 20, 2016

I often wonder where Faceless Shirtless And1 Man is today. I hope he’s found some peace. pic.twitter.com/sG7NvoZb4L

— Ryan Nanni (@celebrityhottub) May 20, 2016