Photo: Carsey-Werner Distribution
Perhaps people don’t sit and daydream about time travel as much as I do, but it’s their loss. You see, if by some miracle those morons do find themselves catapulted through time, they are going to make so many easy mistakes for their lack of planning ahead. Not me, though. And since I’m such a nice dude, I’ll even share a few of the pitfalls you’ll most certainly encounter on the day you wake up in the future (or past). And hey, who better to take such advice from than an Internet comedy writer, right?
Money, Money, Money
Things are going to move quickly the second you reach whatever destination in time you’re going to, so the first thing on your mind needs to be the one cliché that’s most crucial: securing yourself financially for life. After all, this is the best case time travel scenario, no? Don’t muck things up with overly complicated get-rich-quick schemes that are more scheme than quick. Whether you’re in the past or future, figure out a point in your original time-line (pre-time travel) that had or will have a huge lottery payout. I’m talking that billion dollar one if possible. MEMORIZE those numbers (as in, don’t write them down or some other idiotic plan that never works out) and get back to where you came from immediately to plop down the buck or two that will increase astronomically in value. Then, figure out whether or not you can do the time-jump thing again. If you can’t, oh well. You’re freaking rich beyond your wildest dreams! Screw time travel!
The past, specifically, will be very difficult, and you’ll realize this immediately.
Photo: 20th Television
OK, I’ll admit that first bit of advice is a very Biff Tannen move, but what can I say? The dude had good ideas. He just executed them poorly. But with your money situation now out of the way, you can start focusing on your surroundings. Sadly, if you were unfortunate enough to travel back in time instead of forward, you are going to realize that the past sucks. No cell phones. No Ubers. No computers, quite possibly. We are spoiled in the present, so just know that whatever objectives you had in mind, particularly if they involve tracking down a person or place, it’s going to be a pain in the ass without GPS (and maybe even phone books). My best advice would be to mentally prepare now, just in case. It’ll be a huge shock to your system otherwise, making you stick out like a sore thumb.
Don’t let your past/future self see you.
Photo: TriStar Pictures
Speaking of sticking out, it’s absolutely essential not to be spotted by your past or future self. But don’t worry, you’re allowed one mess-up since they always do a double take the first time, giving you ample opportunity to escape. Having said that, still take the situation seriously. You don’t want this past/future prick version of yourself trying to do the time traveling thing, too. That’s going to cause a bunch of paradoxes even I have no idea how to fix. My recommendation: if your past self sees you, hightail it back to the present immediately and pray he thought it was just a weird dream. If your future self sees you, kill them. Just remember where and when you did it so you can avoid yourself later. Boom. Crises averted.
People in the future all wear the same outfit.
Photo: 20th Century Fox Television Distribution
Eventually, humans realize how stupid keeping up with fashion trends is and opt to all wear the same thing. I, for one, love the idea and wish we’d get to it now instead of later. Hell, cartoons have been doing it for years, and look how awesome they are. Regardless, it’s blending-in time. Since you already went ahead and secured yourself plenty of dough, go buy a silver jumpsuit or whatever the crap people are wearing these days and get on with lurking around unnoticed for as long as you can. Maybe even beat someone up and switch clothes with them if you aren’t able to buy them fast enough. That way, if somebody notices something off about you, you can just point out the dude you just robbed wearing your “bizarre old clothing” and sick the angry mob on them. Works every time.
Whether people are smarter or dumber, they’ll still be mesmerized by your current technology.
And not even good current technology, either. I’m talking the kind of crap you shove into your pockets and forget about. Lighters. Sticks of bubble gum. That sorta thing. These people are complete idiots regardless of where you are in the time stream. Old relics will blow them away. Future technology will fascinate them even more. So if you get into a pinch, whip out your iPod and throw it on the ground like April O’Neil did with her walkman in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III. While everyone attacks it like the savage animals they are, slip away unnoticed. But trust me, it’s not even going to get to that point because of the next cliché.
No one (besides past/future you) will question who you are, even though you seemingly appeared out of thin air.
For the most part, if you have even the flimsiest backstory prepared for yourself and aren’t doing anything too crazy right off the bat, everyone is just going to be like, “Ooh, who’s the cool new person in town?” Because of all that crap I just mentioned in the previous cliché. It can’t necessarily be explained, but everybody swoons over someone from the future regardless of whether they know that’s where they are from or not. You’re going to be acting all mysterious like a badass loner due to the circumstances you find yourself in, and that’s going to turn people on to you rather than off. There’s a downside, though, which…is pretty gross.
Your mom/grandmother/daughter will always be the hottest, horniest chick in town.
