Another week, another batch of the most hilarious tweets, compiled just for you. Be sure to follow these guys and gals, and check back here every week for more jokes you can tell your friends and pretend you came up with them. They’ll think you’re hilarious, but inside you’ll be cold and dead.
Follow @robfee on Twitter.
This is definitely the deepest and most metaphysical question posed by NYC subway ticket machines pic.twitter.com/47mXKMvsma
— Tom Gara (@tomgara) March 23, 2016
barista: can i get your name please
me: john, with an “h”
(3 min later)
barista: HJON?— chuuch (@ch000ch) March 23, 2016
imagine if your roommate made you watch a movie and left ten minutes into it. dick move, right? my point is old people shouldn’t get to vote
— rob whisman (@robwhisman) March 23, 2016
“MAH MINDS TELLIN ME NOOOO! BUT MY BODYYYY! MY BAWDAYYY’S TELLIN ME YA-Ya-ESSSSS”
— X (@XLNB) March 23, 2016
thanks again for the interview.
oh hey if you google my name and it autocompletes with “bowling alley arrest,” that’s a different guy.
— stefan (@boring_as_heck) March 24, 2016
batman: my parents were killed
harry potter: same. and i have a nemesis
batman: uhh me too. mine’s a clown, but like, a mean clown
harry: ok— severely depressed (@jon_snow_420) March 23, 2016
In a way, it’s cool just to have a nickname no matter what it is pic.twitter.com/Xc0O1IBd9r
— Shawn (@CakeThrottle) March 22, 2016
I feel like none of the couples on House Hunters actually sleep with each other.
— Laura Benanti (@LauraBenanti) March 26, 2016
#IfIWerePresident pic.twitter.com/pm1zEzvDwB
— Daniel Kibblesmith (@kibblesmith) March 24, 2016
I appreciate that the male standard of attractiveness is so low that there’s a meme based on getting a man who owns 2 outfits
— Kevin Farzad (@KevinFarzad) March 23, 2016
This is the best Batman v Superman review related comment on the Internet. pic.twitter.com/hyehOhAdYp
— Neil (@guyneiljames) March 23, 2016
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
— Cat Friendship Club (@iLikeCatShirts) August 5, 2015
She truly is the world’s greatest athlete pic.twitter.com/bYpqw8OmD0
— Anna Marquardt (@ajlobster) March 22, 2016
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
— Andy Ryan (@ItsAndyRyan) March 19, 2016
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
— bourgeois beth (@bourgeoisalien) November 5, 2015
[shooting hoops with the fellas after school] uh yeah I have a girlfriend…you wouldn’t know her…uh…she was aborted pic.twitter.com/yFbZmhFlO8
— your friend online (@ItsTonyNow) March 25, 2016
They say phones are ruining social skills but in 1888 Van Gogh cut an ear off & gave it to a girl so maybe its not phones maybe we just suck
— Jeff Wysaski (@pleatedjeans) March 20, 2016
I don’t understand why people find these so hard pic.twitter.com/40VRabXFs6
— Jimmy (@JamesCoyne) March 22, 2016
“It is done,” Ted Cruz says post-coitally. “He is in you.” Her belly swells and ripples. An outline of Reagan’s face appears. She screams.
— Miss O’Kistic (@missokistic) March 25, 2016
Looking at you, Jesus. pic.twitter.com/yDubAPu8Zw
— Yael (@elle91) November 30, 2014
Want more? Check out last week’s hilarious tweets.
