Another week, another batch of the most hilarious tweets, compiled just for you. Be sure to follow these guys and gals, and check back here every week for more jokes you can tell your friends and pretend you came up with them. They’ll think you’re hilarious, but inside you’ll be cold and dead.
Follow @robfee on Twitter.
humanity’s greatest achievement is turning wolves into smaller, friendlier, wolves that can give us high-fives
— o x y (@oxygenplug) March 17, 2016
find someone who believes in you the way kanye believes in tidal
— Desus Nice (@desusnice) February 17, 2016
REMINDER: Words just mean whatever now. pic.twitter.com/T7oivd3phm
— Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) November 28, 2015
“Make it look like I live in a Cheesecake Factory.” – NBA players to their interior designers
— joe mande (@JoeMande) July 24, 2013
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school pic.twitter.com/zEzor5jvj5
— village fetish (@botandy) March 17, 2016
No friends came to my 10th bday. It was sad until my my grandma got drunk in her swimsuit & bit me. Then I was glad no one was there to see.
— Chris Thayer (@ChrisThayerSays) June 9, 2015
How has Mark Ruffalo not come out with Mark’s Ruffalo Wing Sauce?
— Michael T Kennedy (@MichaelTKennedy) April 26, 2015
went through my dad’s things after he passed I found a list of 200 potential band names that contain the word “dawg” pic.twitter.com/izhPC4rpTG
— kelly jean (@kjmeow) March 17, 2016
In a decade the economy will just be 10 trillionaires & everyone else taking turns giving each other uber rides
— Nick Wiger (@nickwiger) December 13, 2015
TYLER: The first rule of Fight Club is, you do not talk about Fight Club
ME: Yeah obviously haha [gets out phone] pic.twitter.com/UH67J3T6Ct— Marty Lawrence (@TeaAndCopy) January 14, 2016
her: how old are you?
me: 30
her: oh I like guys a little older
me: I was just kidding I’m 400
— PapeяWash© (@PaperWash) March 19, 2016
“Good day, madam. May I finger you” pic.twitter.com/bWYYVSNynA
— ℳarlo ℳeekins (@MarloMeekins) March 13, 2016
I never time how long I cook anything for I just wait until it’s completely ruined and then I take it out
— audrey farnsworth (@audipenny) March 7, 2016
The worst “would u rather” game is probably the 2016 election
— Megan Kelly Dunn (@megankcomedy) March 19, 2016
hire a DJ then pic.twitter.com/y6tGgOp0Fj
— garbage-coven garth (@garthinkingcap) March 17, 2016
There’s a direct relationship between how depressed you are and how much random stuff is littering your bed.
— Andrew Michaan (@AndrewMichaan) February 18, 2016
When you order so much food that it sets off the passenger seatbelt alarm and your car won’t shut up and until you buckle your food in.
— Rooster Mustache (@RoosterMustache) June 12, 2015
What I picture when a guy says he’s a cat person pic.twitter.com/TFPdJ3yEA3
— ghost mom (@radtoria) February 15, 2016
Life Goal: come out to “boos” on an episode of Maury.
— Brooks Wheelan (@brookswheelan) May 7, 2015
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
— AnOnion (@onion_an) March 16, 2016
Want more? Check out last week’s hilarious tweets.
