This Week's 20 Funniest Tweets

Another week, another batch of the most hilarious tweets, compiled just for you. Be sure to follow these guys and gals, and check back here every week for more jokes you can tell your friends and pretend you came up with them. They’ll think you’re hilarious, but inside you’ll be cold and dead.

Follow @robfee on Twitter.

Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?

— Cat Damon (@CornOnTheGoblin) February 17, 2016

I am in awe of the monstrousness of whoever put a sticker of an outlet on a wall at the airport pic.twitter.com/DgIyDd6iHY

— Claire McNear (@claire_mcnear) February 19, 2016

*donates my body to science*
Science: no thank you

— luke (@internetluke) July 30, 2015

Okay, yes, this is sad. But also, lol. pic.twitter.com/FTqBNTemlU

— stefan (@boring_as_heck) February 18, 2016

in my daily life, i function quite like late capitalism, which is to say i dedicate all my time/energy to fixing crises i create for myself.

— c a r r i e (@CarriePotter_) October 16, 2015

Guy: so what u up to after this?

Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley

— nina (@ninatreemonkey) February 15, 2016

When you’ve spent $7.3m to fund your friend who had dope ideas and you finally see the end product. pic.twitter.com/LKE4BhFccu

— Sabelo R. Mkhabela (@SabeloMkabela) February 17, 2016

[looking at a baby who’s screaming wildly for no apparent reason]
This guy gets it

— Jazmasta (@jazmasta) December 8, 2015

Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news. pic.twitter.com/LuGppvSycJ

— Andy Lang (@HRH_Duke_of_Url) February 22, 2016

[Pearly Gates]

GOD: what was ur fav part of life?

ME: prob worrying about being fat the entire time

GOD: LOL that was Jeffs idea!! JEFF-

— Damnit, Ty (@SuperTeeWhy) October 9, 2015

Follow your dreams ️ pic.twitter.com/y40jx3coGA

— Brian Doyle (@WritePlay) February 22, 2016

the circus is the only place where it’s socially acceptable to cheer for a man loading himself into a cannon

— chuuch (@ch000ch) February 22, 2016

Ed Sheeran always looks like he just stole somebody’s blueberry pie.

— jerm (@JermHimselfish) February 16, 2016

Can we all agree this is the greatest 3-tweet story in the history of Twitter? pic.twitter.com/mmUpr6JRhc

— Aman Batheja (@amanbatheja) February 21, 2016

If you line up all your ex lovers in a row you can see the flow chart of your mental illness

— emma magenta (@BrainPornNinja) February 19, 2016

honestly so stoked to die of a heart attack inside a self-driving car. i wanna watch from heaven as my car rolls up to the club w/ my corpse

— Travis Helwig (@travishelwig) March 21, 2015

Julius Caesar right before he died:
“Please…one day…name a non-vaginal form of birth after me.”
“He’s d-“
“Also a salad!”
[dies]

— Dave King (@DaveKingThing) February 22, 2016