This Week's 20 Funniest Tweets

Another week, another batch of the most hilarious tweets, compiled just for you. Be sure to follow these guys and gals, and check back here every week for more jokes you can tell your friends and pretend you came up with them. They’ll think you’re hilarious, but inside you’ll be cold and dead.

Follow @robfee on Twitter.

Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice

— Todd ‘Papi’ Carlos (@TheToddWilliams) January 30, 2015

*leans across table & stares deep into date’s eyes*
“I’ve been waiting to do this all night”
*drops a Draw 4 card on her while she has Uno*

— Handsome Tweet Guy (@SortaBad) February 13, 2016

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘pressure’

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

I think it’s time we moved in together

— Floyd (@dafloydsta) February 11, 2016

i sleep with my mirror sunglasses on just in case someone breaks in and tries to instagram me

— Mae (@mzeld) July 19, 2015

i’m starting to think that this is the last season of America and the writers are just going nuts

— Jake Flores (@feraljokes) February 13, 2016

It’s what we deserve pic.twitter.com/bPRjpLasag

— Harry Stopes (@HarryStopes) February 12, 2016

One day I’ll give someone a ride and not have to apologize when they get in my car.

— Rachel Fisher (@TheRachelFisher) January 26, 2014

I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!

— Dirt McTurd (@DirtMcTurd) February 3, 2016

excuse me do you have a second for charity? great, what we do is build little fighter jets for injured birds of prey so they can continue to

— Ceej (@ceejoyner) February 8, 2016

Me: will I find true love?

Ouji Board: A R E Y O U H U N G R Y

Me: dammit grandma not now

— Millard Trillmore (@amjustspencer) November 21, 2015

When your friend doesn’t revive you in a game, haha. pic.twitter.com/YcpTfUi7nF

— Jonny (@jonnyhtyson) February 3, 2016

*just vibing with my teenage son voice* Hey kiddo, your grandma’s condition… it’s not dope

— viney (@vineyille) February 5, 2016

cleveland teen kicked out of soccer league for an incredible list of reasons https://t.co/PTRKjO7geb pic.twitter.com/f9MLFVuVlt

— Jordan Heck (@JordanHeckFF) February 12, 2016

If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]

— Shawn (@CakeThrottle) December 20, 2015

[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”

— Sean Leahy (@thepunningman) March 27, 2015

“Now, it’s not a cult…” – someone about to describe a cult

— Patrick Walsh (@thepatrickwalsh) February 15, 2016

hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins

— ceeks (@70Ceeks) February 11, 2016

If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.

— Oblivia (@aveuaskew) February 22, 2013

ME: Politicians lie so much & they’re not even good at it
[someone texts me to hang out]
ME (texting back): Uhh I can’t. I’m dead

— Hippo (@InternetHippo) February 13, 2016