Another week, another batch of the most hilarious tweets, compiled just for you. Be sure to follow these guys and gals, and check back here every week for more jokes you can tell your friends and pretend you came up with them. They’ll think you’re hilarious, but inside you’ll be cold and dead.
Follow @robfee on Twitter.
My morning shower is the only time during the day I can just chill out with my screeching, soaking wet cat.
— Andrew Michaan (@AndrewMichaan) January 18, 2016
And Grandmother, what big thighs you have!
*Wolf just starts crying*— spacegirl incognito (@iamspacegirl) February 3, 2016
On three we both say one thing we don’t like about our relationship
one…two..three
“the constant lizard references”
“iguana have more sex”— Dump Rat (@Amusitr0n) January 15, 2016
More excerpts from the new emoji dictionary:
– I sweat a lot
– egg tennis
– Aardman-esque
– bloody toenail trimmings
– elk lady— rachelle mandik (@rachelle_mandik) January 2, 2015
Someone drew a swastika on Trump’s star on the Walk of Fame & there’s no way to know if it was done by someone who hates him or supports him
— maura quint (@behindyourback) January 31, 2016
be the boys you wish to see back in town
— olga️lexell (@runolgarun) February 4, 2016
Men get boners from cartoons and yet we allow them to make important decisions.
— LadyBernieBroseph (@ladybroseph) April 9, 2014
i hope once in my life I get to destroy some asshole’s truck because Carrie underwood makes it sound awesome
— bad cat (@kittaveli) February 8, 2016
How my cat lost his 9 lives:
1) I made him fight a raccoon
2)
3)
4)
5)
6)
7)
8)
9) Cats don’t have 9 lives guys I wish somebody told me— Rad Kyle (@KyleMcDowell86) June 27, 2014
Hey now
Youre a coinstar
Put your dimes on
this plaaate
Hey now
Get your swear jar
check your car for
loose chaaange
& all i eat’s McDonalds— oll (@dulcetry) January 8, 2016
If everyone contributes a small amount of their income, we can pool all the resources together to defeat socialism https://t.co/weT2oLkZLp
— Bile Cube (@BileCube) January 26, 2016
The internet in a single image pic.twitter.com/66X2AzYUth
— Mike Kowzun (@mkowzun) February 7, 2016
I’m gonna die surrounded by my loved ones, but it’ll just be me choking on food and no one noticing because they’re staring at their phones.
— Elizabeth is Ruined (@Elizasoul80) January 27, 2016
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok— Wylde de Beest (@flashember) September 5, 2015
me: [accidentally steps on dog] im so so sorry
dog: its ok i still love ume: [looks at cat wrong]
cat: i could kill u & feel nothing bitch— EJ Gomez (@EJGomez) February 4, 2016
DID U KNO: every ref is a foot locker employee who dared 2 dream
— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) February 8, 2016
I’m only in clown school because my parents saw I searched ‘creampie’ on my browser history and I had to make something up
— ruined picnic (@ruinedpicnic) January 27, 2016
Remember when we used to say “brb” all the time when we were online? We don’t say it anymore. We no longer leave. We live here now.
— your daddy (@Kappa_Kappa) January 16, 2016
Leia: help me obi wan kenobi, you’re my only hope
Obi Wan: sending thoughts and prayers— Dani Fernandez (@msdanifernandez) December 18, 2015
*ymca young man voice*
jumpman
— Drake Dick Book Club (@DrakeDickBC) February 7, 2016
Want more? Check out last week’s hilarious tweets.
