This Week's 20 Funniest Tweets

Another week, another batch of the most hilarious tweets, compiled just for you. Be sure to follow these guys and gals, and check back here every week for more jokes you can tell your friends and pretend you came up with them. They’ll think you’re hilarious, but inside you’ll be cold and dead.

Follow @robfee on Twitter.

‘i’ve exhausted all options’ I say, having only tried the easiest, most convenient option

— ok guy (@hippieswordfish) November 17, 2015

Every time you shake hands with a dog u r entering into a dog contract whos stipulations u could never understand

— Yearly tanks (@Burger_Time_) January 24, 2015

Jesus fasted for 40 days? Well bud I got news for you: Sonic the Hedgehog has been “fasting” for 14 years.

— dan (@oxygenplug) August 15, 2015

Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.

— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) December 13, 2015

[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving] PEOPLE: won’t be me [1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball] PEOPLE: you never know

— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) January 7, 2016

Here’s your confirmation # Ok 4395 Yep 3224 Yes AF23 Got it Want to read it back? [looking at picture of a dog I just drew] uh no, I’m good.

— Kalvin (@KalvinMacleod) September 14, 2015

this is like an optical illusion where you keep seeing more belts and assume you must be going insane pic.twitter.com/PKAcT14oFY

— Cohen is a ghost (@skullmandible) January 10, 2016

i’d like an extra large decaffeinated coffee. while youre at it i also want a carton of ice cream microwaved til it’s very warm. yes vanilla

— tara shoe (@tarashoe) January 2, 2016

boy: *touches my arm* me: so what are we

— idiot (@goldfishbabe101) March 30, 2015

Sometimes people fall in love, and sometimes [sound of garbage truck driving past]

— moody monday (@mdob11) November 3, 2015

[my siri gets home] SIRI: Today he asked me if carrots sleep HUSBAND: Why are you doing this, you have a master’s degree SIRI: HE NEEDS ME

— Hippo (@InternetHippo) November 2, 2015

There is nothing in the universe louder than a phone vibrating on silent.

— Bill Dixon (@BillDixonish) January 8, 2016

sean: [to self] flex as hard as possible el chapo: i wonder if bayside rescue mission has any more shirts like this pic.twitter.com/rCZ70blnIq

— Big Sexy Jeb! Lund (@Mobute) January 10, 2016

[Date] ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME [across town hawk at dinner w/ family] WIFE:Just dont answer it HAWK:*sighs* We need this job

— joewen wilson (@sad_tree) March 19, 2015

Mom just gave me bag LABELED Hairdryer she took from my hotel/thought was mine.She stole a hairdryer.Thinks I travel w bag labeled hairdryer

— Ja’Crispy Vulcano (@SalVulcano) September 5, 2015

In a decade the economy will just be 10 trillionaires & everyone else taking turns giving each other uber rides

— Nick Wiger (@nickwiger) December 13, 2015

DO NOT ASK FOR WHOM THE HOTLINE BLINGS

— Jake Currie (@jakecurrie) November 3, 2015

[bangs on the glass outside a business meeting] boss: what is it me: ched boss: what me: ched boss: is he saying ched? what is that me: ched

— picnic (@ruinedpicnic) January 4, 2016