Another week, another batch of the most hilarious tweets, compiled just for you. Be sure to follow these guys and gals, and check back here every week for more jokes you can tell your friends and pretend you came up with them. They’ll think you’re hilarious, but inside you’ll be cold and dead.
Follow @robfee on Twitter.
A good prank is that you can donate your body to anyone, not just science
— Pixelated Boat (@pixelatedboat) December 3, 2015
[High school reunion] Hey guys! Remember me!? “No” How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head* (in unison) CHRIS!
— Tommytoughstuff (@Tommytoughstuff) August 17, 2015
when u deliver a sick burn and ur friend got ur back pic.twitter.com/AGJ99qH01l
— Sophia Benoit (@1followernodad) December 5, 2015
What if you met your soulmate but he loved to clap when the plane lands?
— alix (@alixmcalpine) June 1, 2015
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
— tara shoe (@tarashoe) December 5, 2015
“smh this is why u gotta take them swimming on the first date” -man who keeps accidentally dating tortoises instead of turtles
— treasure (@imteddybless) December 5, 2015
when u go from being a community college student 2 a jaded harvard professor pic.twitter.com/qpCx3HZWns
— BRANDON WARDELL (@BRANDONWARDELL) December 4, 2015
“Hi, 2 people for dinner” “I have a table overlooking the ocean” “Is it near a power outlet? My phone’s dying” “No” “Fuck you-we’re leaving”
— Lauren Reeves (@laurenreeves) December 5, 2015
Unbelievable. pic.twitter.com/a1tTp091X9
— Paul (@FrenulumBreve) December 1, 2015
DOG OWNER: Who’s a good boy! [dog wags tail excitedly] DOG OWNER: You are! Yes you are [I emerge from the bushes] I am also a good boy
— Dan O’Brien (@OtherDanOBrien) September 23, 2015
*sits 27 hours for an oil on canvas portrait* omg delete that. Bartholomew i’m serious do not fucking hang that in the Great Hall
— Conor Tripler (@ConorTripler) November 29, 2015
Opinions are like assholes. I shared mine on the internet and strangers got mad at me
— Rad Kyle (@KyleMcDowell86) September 18, 2015
I pause my TV on a group of ppl laughing, then tell them a funny story about my dog. & it’s like we’re all laughing!! pic.twitter.com/JBnxsFrHce
— sicily (@toomanytoes) July 7, 2015
“I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here” was originally going to be called ‘I will literally eat horse dick to be on TV again’
— Adam Hess (@adamhess1) December 10, 2015
Skincare tips: stay away from sunlight, drink plenty of cave river water, turn into an immortal salamander. pic.twitter.com/mnEWbV069r
— the sex pooper (@lonelydandruff) December 1, 2015
I’d like to get a haircut. “Sure, which stranger do you want touching your head and talking for thirty straight minutes?” Uhhh… him?
— Joe Kelly (@joekellyjk47) December 8, 2015
when ur a dedicated detective that investigates these vicious felonies but ur crush walks by pic.twitter.com/OBjvIO0UAb
— me, an intellectual (@eatyeIlow) November 30, 2015
I’m drunk so I’ll just fuckin say it: Those dudes in Big were way too good way too fast at the floor piano
— Dan Hopper (@DanHopp) November 30, 2015
*swerves onto exit 208* Sorry mom something came up pic.twitter.com/1aAc8iuFIo
— Leah Tiscione (@LeahTiscione) September 1, 2015
at Forever 31 everything is way more expensive and none of it makes you happy anymore
— the garbage shit boy (@davedittell) January 7, 2015
Want more? Check out last week’s hilarious tweets.
