Another week, another batch of the most hilarious tweets, compiled just for you. Be sure to follow these guys and gals, and check back here every week for more jokes you can tell your friends and pretend you came up with them. They’ll think you’re hilarious, but inside you’ll be cold and dead.
Follow @robfee on Twitter.
Lil’ Kim implies the existence of a larger Kim
— blake (@Leemanish) November 17, 2015
Take your kids to the science museum where they can learn about plasma balls and touch screens with JavaScript errors on them.
— vladchoc (@vladchoc) October 4, 2015
WAITER: Room for dessert? [flashback to the room at home that hides all my desserts] ME: [nervous laugh] Haha I don’t have one of those.
— Saucy Kensington (@Book_Krazy) September 2, 2015
18: beer tastes bad and I don’t like it. 25: I only drink Fisherman’s Breath Whale Urine IPA.
— Tyler Schmall (@tylerschmall) November 22, 2015
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters pic.twitter.com/z1oVFr9ksW
— everett byram (@rad_milk) November 16, 2015
They needed three Back to the Future movies so they could cover life’s three great concerns: one’s birth, one’s future legacy, and cowboy
— Eat Wood (@therealeatwood) October 22, 2015
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have *hands over coupon something of equal or lesser value
— Mr. Peel (@Rlpihl) November 19, 2015
Breakfast: 3 eggs, toast with avocado Lunch: salad Dinner: 89 pizza rolls, 9 bowls of cereal, 4 thanksgiving dinners, 1 newborn baby
— hannah (@TribalSpaceCat) October 1, 2015
First date: Ok don’t let her know you’re a cat Her: Do u come here often? Me: [puts butthole in her face]
— Steve Suckington (@SteveSuckington) November 19, 2015
Superman: I am an all powerful alien with only one weakness. Batman: Is it bats? Please say bats.
— Erren Michaels (@ErrenMichaels) April 18, 2015
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything? Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed. Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco… Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
— tchrquotes (@tchrquotes) February 28, 2015
[day 38 on the ark] NOAHS WIFE: we’re out of food NOAH: don’t worry, i have a contingency plan UNICORN: why are u lookin at me like that
— local badboy, (@hippieswordfish) September 1, 2015
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
— Mr. Peel (@Rlpihl) July 18, 2014
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
— OhNoSheTwitnt (@OhNoSheTwitnt) November 22, 2015
Someone needs to stop that kid pic.twitter.com/29EidW5ku2
— Andy (@ItsAndyRyan) October 22, 2015
Did you know you can “unfollow” your Facebook friends but stay friends with them? My Facebook timeline is now blank.
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) November 19, 2015
[at airport] Customs Official: Do you have anything to declare? Southern Belle: No
— pat tobin (@tastefactory) October 1, 2015
My dream is that some 16 yr old boys follow me because they hate my tweets and snidely read them aloud to each other while eating beef jerky
— Karen Kilgariff (@KarenKilgariff) November 18, 2015
So glad you could take a break from posting Minions memes to let us know what we should do about the refugees.
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) November 19, 2015
Omg I’m so thirsty- *Kool-Aid Man busts through wall* OH YEAHH *Sugar-free zero calorie Kool-Aid Man jiggles door handle* LITTLE HELP HERE
— SoulBrodeler (@SoulYodeler) November 19, 2015
Want more? Check out last week’s hilarious tweets.
