Another week, another batch of the most hilarious tweets, compiled just for you. Be sure to follow these guys and gals, and check back here every week for more jokes you can tell your friends and pretend you came up with them. They’ll think you’re hilarious, but inside you’ll be cold and dead.
Follow @robfee on Twitter.
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
— Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) November 11, 2015
You know “sea foam” is technically whale piss, but yeah this bridesmaid dress is great
— ceeks (@70Ceeks) March 15, 2015
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
— Gαbby Durαn (@GABBYdaAngSaya) October 16, 2015
In Heaven all your lost pets are sitting around waiting to see you again. “I wish he’d die,” says Cupcake. They all nod.
— ghost sauce (@yerpalmildsauce) June 24, 2015
Damn girl are you from Tennessee? Because you have several outstanding warrants from the Tennessee court system. Step out of the vehicle
— pharmaCODYnamics (@RxitWounds) March 2, 2015
I follow a British radio station on Facebook because their relatable memes make no sense to me as an American. pic.twitter.com/PaNxW8k9j9
— Rich McCarthy (@Rich_McCarthy) November 7, 2015
WIFE: why is the visa bill so high? ME: remember we talked about europe this summer? W: omg— M: now we can talk in a sweet ass dune buggy
— lil jon lovitz (@nbadag) April 2, 2015
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet? Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
— It’s Abby. Yep. (@abbycohenwl) October 11, 2015
[Podcast] Me: Lets go to the phones Caller: This is Rick from CVS Me: Hi Rick always good to meet a fan Rick: Yea. Your ass cream is ready.
— Poorly Drawn Turtle (@NoTheOtherJohn) October 19, 2015
[t-rex getting lucky on first date] girl: aren’t you gonna take my bra off? t-rex: *sweating* let’s just keep kissing
— a bird (@i_eat_fruit) June 2, 2015
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
— Brad Gage (@bradgage) November 16, 2015
[Eulogy] I can still hear his last words. “I’m *chokes back tears* I’m gonna try and put my hat on that bear.”
— Tommytoughstuff (@Tommytoughstuff) October 8, 2014
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken ME: So what happens now? D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
— Jon (@ArfMeasures) June 16, 2015
This Uber driver is making me nauseous. Because he got me pregnant one month ago
— Mary Kobayashi (@MaryKoCo) October 14, 2015
Are you guys gonna enjoy your weekend I’m not I’ll probably obsess over the problems I create in my mind then maybe eat something I regret
— AmberTozer (@AmberTozer) November 7, 2015
Aren’t boobs neat? My boobs are so neat! Now that I have your attention, black churches are being burnt down and no one seems to notice.
— Mel Gabor (@melgabored) July 1, 2015
People who are offended when I breastfeed in public need to STFU. What I’m doing is natural and strengthens the bond between me and my dog.
— ghost mom (@radtoria) October 21, 2014
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
— Tom (@tomcashgent) May 22, 2015
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap? me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
— Sean Leahy (@thepunningman) June 12, 2015
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
— cool as h*ck turtle (@dubstep4dads) November 3, 2015
“hey kanye this song is called monster?” yeah jay, it’s- “SASQUATCH, GODZILLA, KING KONG, LOCHNESS” wait jay what r u doing “GOBLIN, GHOUL,”
— BRANDON WARDELL (@BRANDONWARDELL) June 9, 2015
Want more? Check out last week’s hilarious tweets.
