Another week, another batch of the most hilarious tweets, compiled just for you. Be sure to follow these guys and gals, and check back here every week for more jokes you can tell your friends and pretend you came up with them. They’ll think you’re hilarious, but inside you’ll be cold and dead.
Follow @robfee on Twitter.
What if the Ant eaters go extinct? Will I have to eat all the ants? I don’t even like ants Someone please answer me I could maybe eat 1?
— Le Bear Girdle (@LeBearGirdle) May 31, 2015
Sometimes people fall in love, and sometimes [sound of garbage truck driving past]
— moody monday (@mdob11) November 3, 2015
just asked a cashier at the airport for “eye muffs” because I couldn’t think of the term “sleeping mask”
— keith buckley (@deathoftheparty) November 5, 2015
I highly suggest doing a dramatic reading of The Game’s Instagram hashtags to your loved one pic.twitter.com/A9e8oimWhv
— Gabriella Paiella (@GMPaiella) November 4, 2015
[enter password] ilovedogs [password must contain at least one special character] iloveAirBud
— joegarbe (@gojarbe) February 28, 2015
DETECTIVE: There are signs of a struggle here [earlier that morning] ME: *trying to get up for work*
— Online Hippo (@InternetHippo) September 2, 2015
doctor: are u sexually active james bond: haha doctor: haha james bond: haha doctor: lol but for real u have 14 STDs 3 of which are fatal
— EJ Gomez (@EJGomez) November 7, 2015
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
— d i v e r s i o n (@Diversion50) July 25, 2014
Wednesday inspiration for you pic.twitter.com/3Yo6FFqkUl
— Aaron Chewning (@AaronChewning) November 4, 2015
Remember when you’d be staying at a friend’s house & you’d wake up before them & wouldn’t know what to do? That’s how my whole life feels
— Sage Boggs (@sageboggs) October 27, 2015
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
— Lindsay (@Rollinintheseat) November 4, 2015
Me: It’s cold outside. Them: It’s not cold outside. Not compared to the place i lived which was colder, which I’m about to elaborate on.
— shut up, mike (@shutupmikeginn) December 8, 2014
Sorry I never contacted you, both my hands fell off right after we last talked and they just grew back today
— audrey farnsworth (@audipenny) November 7, 2015
Like a good neighbor State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
— Boo-rian Doyle (@WritePlay) February 16, 2015
me: how much per hour? babysitter: $15 me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
— Timmy™ (@TheTimmyToes) September 4, 2015
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
— tchrquotes (@tchrquotes) October 29, 2015
“Are you crying?” – Uber drivers
— Brandon Vaughn (@Brandamonium) February 19, 2015
*Paranormal Factivity* [I walk into my bathroom] “OH MY GOD” [‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
— Le Bear Girdle (@LeBearGirdle) October 24, 2015
I wish the Tooth Fairy could just PayPal my kid money so I wouldn’t have to go out for cash.
— Stephanie McMaster (@Smethanie) November 3, 2015
[A Dad about to give the birds & the bees talk] “Son, when-” *Watches son try to poke a Capri Sun for 35 minutes* “Know what, we’re good”
— damnit, Ty (@SuperTeeWhy) September 28, 2015
Want more? Check out last week’s hilarious tweets.
