We’re all aware of the huge, hilarious Twitter accounts with hundreds of thousands of followers, but what about those smaller gems that fly under the radar? Just because an account doesn’t have a massive following doesn’t mean it isn’t worth following. Here are 40 accounts that may not be huge yet, but should definitely get a follow from you immediately.
1. Matt Monroe
Fun Prank 1.) Go to Yoga class 2.) Compliment some people on their mats 3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
— Matt Monroe (@heymonroe) May 24, 2013
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
— Matt Monroe (@heymonroe) March 20, 2015
Soup is for when you’re too sad to chew
— Brandon Vaughn (@Brandamonium) November 4, 2014
If I’m honest with myself my favorite food is just dipping sauces.
— Brandon Vaughn (@Brandamonium) August 27, 2014
3. Alex Rubens
“We named our condoms after something that famously snuck in somewhere, then broke open once it got inside, spilling out soldiers.” -Trojan™
— Alex Rubens (@atrubens) January 19, 2015
Googled “how much does it cost to buy a nuclear warhead,” then got paranoid and Googled “i am a comedy writer,” too, just to cover my ass.
— Alex Rubens (@atrubens) January 17, 2014
4. Dan Clyne
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes? pic.twitter.com/E9kfdFT26Z
— Dan Clyne (@danCLYNE) September 20, 2013
Subway’s promoting a new sandwich as if they have control. Your ingredients lay freely before me. I pull the strings here.
— Dan Clyne (@danCLYNE) March 13, 2015
5. Kristen Drum
the cashier at Petsmart just told me I smell really good which would be a compliment if my competition wasn’t a bunch of dogs and gerbils
— kristen (@kristendrum) April 2, 2015
“want to go grab some dinner?” *lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
— kristen (@kristendrum) June 18, 2015
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
— Janel SantaCruz (@JanelSantaCruz) February 4, 2014
*Texts the sample lady from Costco* U up?
— Janel SantaCruz (@JanelSantaCruz) December 11, 2014
7. Dan O’Brien
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth* *twists it around with her tongue* *pulls it out* *it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
— Dan O’Brien (@OtherDanOBrien) January 22, 2015
[Dog Restaurant] “Is the Book Report any good?” Yes, Sir. “How’s it prepared?” A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it. “Ooh, I’ll have that.”
— Dan O’Brien (@OtherDanOBrien) April 15, 2015
…had him arrested pic.twitter.com/Igcxzuy2qY
— Dan gagliardi (@asimplemachine) February 24, 2015
Uncle emailed me with the subject line, “PLEASE READ DAN!” It smacked of desperation. Play it cool, uncle. Nephews dig confidence.
— Dan gagliardi (@asimplemachine) November 16, 2012
9. Patty Mo
Sinbad isn’t just a comedian’s name – it’s also an extremely short summary of The Bible
— patrick (@pattymo) August 21, 2014
You’re talking about Shrek’s monster. Shrek is the name of the scientist who created him. No one ever bothers to read the novel
— patrick (@pattymo) December 27, 2013
10. Mawad
75% of your time in a relationship is spent eating pizza and saying the word “babe”
— Mawad (@Maaouad) May 15, 2012
Hi, Welcome to Urban Outfitters. What sort of smug look would you like us to give you this evening?
— Mawad (@Maaouad) May 22, 2012
11. Hannah
Very normal stages of anger: 1) kinda upset 2) crying 3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
— hannah (@TribalSpaceCat) December 7, 2014
“Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you enjoy the play?”
— hannah (@TribalSpaceCat) November 3, 2014
12. Shady Grenade
*Pizza Hut job interview* “Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?” No sir. “You will.”
— Mått (@shadygrenade) July 16, 2014
Helen Keller wrote 12 books and I just put my shirt on inside out.
— Mått (@shadygrenade) October 6, 2014
13. Emma
pretty crazy how “dumb” and “math class” have the same amount of letters
— studious emma (@ermahgarton) September 10, 2014
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
— studious emma (@ermahgarton) December 31, 2014
14. Mike Scollins
If I ever ordered a beer and the bartender said “Take a pitcher it’ll last longer” that would be a very successful upsell.
— Mike Scollins (@mikescollins) December 22, 2013
At what point making Forrest Gump, a film about a slow kid whose friend is molested by her father, did someone suggest a spinoff restaurant?
— Mike Scollins (@mikescollins) October 6, 2012
15. $pencer
Hey people in their 20s… it gets worse.
— $pencer (@13spencer) May 16, 2012
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
— $pencer (@13spencer) May 23, 2012
16. Jade VK
MUGGER: GIVE ME YOUR PURSE OR I’LL SHOOT YOU ME: *realize I won’t have to pay student loans back if I’m dead* MUGGER: ??? ME: I’m thinking.
— dream ghoul (@Jade_VK) February 24, 2015
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
— dream ghoul (@Jade_VK) January 17, 2015
17. Anna Lore
Damn girl are you the polar vortex bc you are simultaneously illustrating the very real effects of global warming AND makin my nipples hard.
— Anna Lore (@anna_train) March 19, 2014
Someone sent me a thank you card, so I’m gonna send them a card thanking them for their thank you card and see how long we can keep it up.
— Anna Lore (@anna_train) August 29, 2014
18. Lindzeta
They hid Wonka bars literally all over the world but the only people who found them were white people who spoke English.
— lindsey (@Lindzeta) June 19, 2012
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic has his fav book made into a movie & the characters are nothing like he imagined them
— lindsey (@Lindzeta) May 7, 2014
19. Crissy Milazzo
You ever really miss your ex’s pets?
— Crissy Milazzo (@frizzyfilazzo) September 27, 2014
When I die I want rihanna’s life to flash before my eyes
— Crissy Milazzo (@frizzyfilazzo) June 29, 2015
20. Sean Gabay
I won’t be impressed with science until I can download a waffle.
— Sean Gabay (@ixSEANxi) April 15, 2011
Ya know those scenes where the guy shoves everything off the table and throws a woman on it yeah I’ve only done that with pizza
— Sean Gabay (@ixSEANxi) July 31, 2012
21. Joe Veix
Valentine’s Day is an uncomfortable day to purchase hand lotion and tissues.
— Joe Veix (@joeveix) February 14, 2012
Any restaurant is all you can eat if you bring a gun.
— Joe Veix (@joeveix) June 16, 2011
22. Cullen Crawford
You should see the other guy. Specifically, how good at fighting he is.
— Cullen Crawford (@HelloCullen) November 20, 2013
Joann Fabrics is the worst X-Man
— Cullen Crawford (@HelloCullen) February 20, 2015
23. Pants
-Mom how’d you meet Dad? -Well I was rage-dancing to dubstep, he liked what he saw and pointed to his genitals as if to say ‘get up on this’
— Pants (@onedumbshark) April 26, 2015
When my doctor diagnosed me with surrealism I didn’t know what to candle wax forest upside down volcano coffin.
— Pants (@onedumbshark) May 28, 2015
24. Dan Hopper
“I’m gonna Google that. BING that, Bing that, sorry” – The CEO of Bing many times per day still
— Dan Hopper (@DanHopp) October 2, 2013
The Jackson Five come from a simpler time when people didn’t mind a ten year old shouting relationship advice at them
— Dan Hopper (@DanHopp) August 1, 2014
25. Sean Brewster
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
— Sean Brewster (@TheSeanBrewster) October 15, 2013
I hate everything I’ve ever said at the end of a phone call.
— Sean Brewster (@TheSeanBrewster) June 14, 2012
26. Michael O’Brien
There’s not a show on the Food Channel that has figured out how to change scenes without the sound of knives.
— Michael O’Brien (@mycobrian) February 1, 2014
I’ve never been to Oklahoma City, but I imagine everyone walks around that place in the free t-shirts they get at Thunder games.
— Michael O’Brien (@mycobrian) May 14, 2014
27. Spencer Hicks
I just watched a documentary on marijuana. I think all documentaries should be watched this way.
— Spencer Hicks (@SpencerLenox) March 29, 2012
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
— Spencer Hicks (@SpencerLenox) September 6, 2012
28. Ella Ceron
May I never ever ever send a screenshot of a conversation to the person whose conversation I just took a screenshot of, amen.
— Ella Cerón (@ellaceron) January 8, 2014
Be the Nicki Minaj verse you wish to see in the world.
— Ella Cerón (@ellaceron) April 23, 2015
29. Oxygenplug
Can’t wait for the release of Jurassic Park 4D where they just let dinosaurs loose in the theater and you have to try to survive for 2 hours
— dan (@oxygenplug) April 10, 2013
“yes I’m very good in bed” *folds blanket and neatly props up pillow* *pillow falls over* “Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
— dan (@oxygenplug) April 20, 2014
30. Leah Tiscione
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
— Leah Tiscione (@LeahTiscione) May 12, 2015
Who else gets sad when you run out of things to wash in the shower because then you have to get out and face your problems
— Leah Tiscione (@LeahTiscione) June 17, 2015
31. Barbara Gray
so if i spend my time eating cheese, watching Netflix, n having orgasms alone, i’m ‘depressed’, but if someone else is there i’m ‘in love’ ?
— Barbara Gray (@BabsGray) March 28, 2014
man I wish I had enough money to have enough time to do enough things that feel like actually living
— Barbara Gray (@BabsGray) June 6, 2013
32. Grant Pardee
It’s Adam and Steve not Adam and Dave. They broke up awhile ago. Are you even on Instagram??
— Grant Pardee (@grantpa) June 26, 2015
Most horrifying words in the English language: “Actually, we’ve met before.”
— Grant Pardee (@grantpa) April 1, 2015
33. Brett Ryland
Depressed? Keep your chin up cuz when it’s down it looks like there’s two of them, which is gross.
— Brett Ryland (@brettryland) December 15, 2011
The inside of my car looks like water bottles went to war with receipts and nobody won
— Brett Ryland (@brettryland) June 18, 2013
34. Chelsea Nachman
The closest I’ve ever come to saying namaste was when someone asked if wanted to leave my apartment and I said naaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh i’mma stay
— Chelsea Nachman (@chelseanachman) September 19, 2014
Do you ever look up from your phone and realize you’re 83 weeks deep into your own instagram account
— Chelsea Nachman (@chelseanachman) May 13, 2015
35. Elizabeth Tippet
They should make prison doors out of cereal bag glue.
— Elizabeth Tippet (@eltippy) April 2, 2015
My housekeeping style is best described as “there appears to have been a struggle.”
— Elizabeth Tippet (@eltippy) December 10, 2014
36. Are_Kelly
This is the funniest thing in the world http://t.co/C6xyrWUI
— Sexy Tonya (@Are_Kelly) October 1, 2012
it’s the remix to ignition/ college student edition/ i eat poptarts for dinner/ i can’t afford my tuition
— Sexy Tonya (@Are_Kelly) May 3, 2012
37. Scott Thompson
No YOUR number is blocked at the Dominos where your ex-girlfriend works bc you kept calling and ordering a large Sally pizza w/ extra bitch
— Scott Thompson (@greenteam15) January 7, 2013
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
— Scott Thompson (@greenteam15) November 21, 2013
38. Justin Furano
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
— Justin Furano (@JustinFurano) February 13, 2012
WARNING: “There’s no wrong way to eat a Reese’s” is not a valid defense for Indecent Exposure.
— Justin Furano (@JustinFurano) May 17, 2012
39. Zach Jobin
I hate that we live in a culture that just forced me to say “a kitten I follow on Instagram.”
— Zach X.J. (@ZachXJ) April 5, 2013
Gotta hand it to babies, because their stupid little arms cant reach anything.
— Zach X.J. (@ZachXJ) June 24, 2011
40. Drew
I bet Egyptians were all like “Yo, nobody in history will ever worship and revere cats like we do” and then came the internet.
— Drew Snow (@Dschnoeb) January 15, 2014
I think the only girl I know that hasn’t said “you’re like a brother to me” is my sister.
— Drew Snow (@Dschnoeb) June 21, 2012
