Tweets That Hilariously Sum Up What It's Like To Be A Parent

Photo: Fox

Being a parent has its ups and downs, but the best way to deal with all of it is to have a sense of humor about the whole thing. Otherwise you’ll go completely insane and end up pushing multiple shopping carts into pedestrians outside of a Walmart while eating a head of cabbage. Thankfully there are hilarious comedians providing plenty of jokes on the most daunting parental tasks a little more light and fun.

25 Tweets That Hilariously Sum Up What It’s Like To Be A Parent

Was arguing with my 2 y/o for 30 minutes about why he needs to wear his pants and now we’re both sitting in our underwear eating donuts

— PapeяWash© (@PaperWash) October 13, 2013

In case you’re thinking about having a kid, my daughter just threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t let her watch me poop.

— Julius Sharpe (@juliussharpe) December 31, 2012

I just asked my 8yo to quit yelling and he said, “I’m NOT yelling. This is my voice and all my life I’ve been whispering. Now I’m free!”

— Jenny Pentland (@JennyPentland) December 21, 2013

“Can I ask you a million questions?” -kids

— andy lassner (@andylassner) May 30, 2015

I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.

— Danny Zuker (@DannyZuker) September 14, 2011

The best thing about trying to name a baby is realizing how many people you hate

— Brian Gaar (@briangaar) June 5, 2014

get your kids vaccinated, weird this is now a position in a debate? I’m also against setting kids on fire or poisoning the town water supply

— Cohen is a ghost (@skullmandible) February 2, 2015

“I’m sorry I spilled a cocktail on your baby” is a real text I just had to send.

— Elizabeth Tippet (@eltippy) November 28, 2014

“Son, what you walked in on your mother and I doing, it’s- Wrestling? “Haha what? No, it’s sex and it’s awesome. Your mother is a freak,”

— Mått (@shadygrenade) May 6, 2014

Some kid had a surprise birthday party today and my son said “IT’S SECRET LIKE BEYONCÉ’S ALBUM!” That’s my baby.

— Frank Lowe (@GayAtHomeDad) July 29, 2014

If you don’t mumble “fuck off” to your children under your breath for the first two hours every morning, then tell me your secrets, wizard.

— Court (@Discourt) October 20, 2012

When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.

— Dan Ewen (@VaguelyFunnyDan) March 27, 2012

A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”

— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) July 19, 2014

My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.

— Gloria Fallon (@GloriaFallon123) December 24, 2013

Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.

— Brian Hope (@Brianhopecomedy) April 15, 2013

The singular sign of a parent who is doing their job is their unwillingness to let their children watch the Star Wars prequels.

— Heather B. Armstrong (@dooce) November 4, 2012

Hey moms! Here’s a fun game to play: When your kid gets home from school, be lying on the floor screaming in pain, “YOU STEPPED ON A CRACK!”

— Stephanie McMaster (@Smethanie) September 8, 2011

Young children are like sponges. They are the filthiest thing in your house.

— Jay Skarlow (@RockabillyJay) October 7, 2014

Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved

— (maura) (@behindyourback) December 26, 2013

Is it bad that my 11 month old daughter and I have basically the same body

— Ike Barinholtz (@ikebarinholtz) May 28, 2014

My wife is away, so I have to get both my kids ready for school by myself. For lunch, I packed them both an iTunes gift card

— Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) November 6, 2014

Before I had kids, I didn’t even know it was possible to destroy an entire house with a granola bar.

— Lurkin’ Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) October 3, 2014

In case you were wondering, the loudest sound in the world is my kid screaming, “Are you pooping?!?” in a public restroom.

— Unfiltered Mama (@UnfilteredMama) March 19, 2016

My son was crying and asked, “why doesn’t the dog have to wear pants?” And it’s like, I don’t even know. So now I’m putting pants on a dog.

— Tragic Ally (@TragicAllyHere) September 30, 2016

My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.

— Tired Working Mom (@WorkingMom86) July 31, 2015

Never, & I mean NEVER make eye contact with a child on the verge of falling asleep.They will sense your excitement & abort mission! #momlife

— Caffeine & Fairydust (@CaffeineandF) November 14, 2015