Another week, another batch of the most hilarious tweets compiled just for you. Be sure to follow these guys and gals, and check back here every week for more jokes you can tell your friends and pretend you came up with them yourself. They’ll think you’re hilarious, but inside you’ll be cold and dead.
Follow @robfee on Twitter.
We didn’t have Legos when I was a kid. We had Lincoln Logs & we could build anything with them: big cabin, small cabin, you name the cabin.
— Just Bill (@WilliamAder) May 27, 2015
-Mom how’d you meet Dad? -Well I was rage-dancing to dubstep, he liked what he saw and pointed to his genitals as if to say ‘get up on this’
— Sandy (@onedumbshark) April 26, 2015
[starbucks] barista: name? guy: [is a secret agent & can’t reveal real name so he looks around for ideas] my name is pic.twitter.com/AxLWWzngjq
— Sage Boggs (@sageboggs) May 15, 2015
COP:Do u know how fast u were going ME: The posted speed limit, 495 COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
— pat tobin (@tastefactory) May 23, 2015
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups? *Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
— Saucy Kensington (@Book_Krazy) May 31, 2015
My favorite scene in ET is where ET makes the kid smell his weird dick finger
— Tamara Yajia (@DancesWithTamis) May 27, 2015
No, facebook. I do not have 5 events coming up today. I have 0. I have 0 events coming up today.
— Ari Scott (@ariscott) May 29, 2015
Hey now You’re a mall cop Tell the bad kids Don’t skaaate Hey now Ride a golf cart Get your stun gun Go taaaze and most nights i sleep alone
— Cat Damon (@CornOnTheGoblin) May 29, 2015
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
— Br&on the Cow (@Brampersandon_) May 9, 2015
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
— Bandersnaaatch (@Bandersnaaatch) May 27, 2015
Women with radioactive babies? pic.twitter.com/5OC8f3Imwb
— Augusten Burroughs (@augusten) May 24, 2015
The year is 2040. A child is singing the emoji alphabet song. It is 13 minutes long.
— Lord Pinky (@HiddenPinky) May 28, 2015
LITTLE KNOWN FACT Mickey Rourke ate a dinosaur in the late 90s, and it has been slowly emerging to gradually take full control of his body.
— batkaren (@batkaren) May 24, 2015
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
— Mr. Peel (@Rlpihl) July 18, 2014
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
— Shawn (@CakeThrottle) May 16, 2015
No matter where you take a vacation photo, a middle-aged man in cargo shorts WILL sneak into the background.
— Molly McNearney (@mollymcnearney) May 12, 2015
can’t wait til the future when humans can fly and we can finally complain about bird traffic
— tara shoe (@tarashoe) May 18, 2015
[Calls an ex] Ex: Hello Me: Remember how you lied about everything Ex: Why are you doing this Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
— AmberTozer (@AmberTozer) May 28, 2015
1850 love letter: my darling, what it has been to live all this time in your heart no phrase can convey 2015 love letter: im drunk talk 2 me
— claudia martin (@cloudypianos) May 10, 2015
A depressed, one-eyed horse, trotting thru the streets. Some call him Sighclops. Others don’t find this amusing.
— Jason Lastname (@JasonLastname) May 27, 2015
More very funny tweets can be found right here.
