Another week, another batch of the most hilarious tweets compiled just for you. Be sure to follow these guys and gals, and check back here every week for more jokes you can tell your friends and pretend you came up with them yourself. They’ll think you’re hilarious, but inside you’ll be cold and dead.
Follow @robfee on Twitter.
“you sure you know how to make these?” [friend handing me fake id] you tell me “justin” pic.twitter.com/Ah6OyJkpfT
– Brent (@murrman5) April 11, 2015
boss: you’re fired mime: why boss: mime: oh right
– Sage Boggs (@sageboggs) April 12, 2015
“That’s not going to work…” -my daughter, quietly to herself over and over while watching a Coyote/Road Runner cartoon right now
– Ken Jennings (@KenJennings) April 17, 2015
“Circle circle dot dot now you’ve got your cootie shot.” [Jenny McCarthy bursts in and slaps the kid] GET AWAY FROM MY SON!
– Twitnter Is Coming (@OhNoSheTwitnt) April 20, 2015
age 15: I can be anything! age 25: I can be several things age 45: I can’t believe this hot water heater isn’t working. It’s brand new
– Ristolable (@Ristolable) March 7, 2015
I never think about touching a plate until a waiter says “be careful, this plate is very hot” and then it’s the only thing I can think about
– elan gale (@theyearofelan) April 15, 2015
Once again the fashion industry creates unrealistic standards for men pic.twitter.com/hly9ZxY5jX
– PaperWash© (@PaperWash) April 14, 2015
*drinks 1 bottle of water* man i am so good at taking care of myself i mean wow
– Lane Moore (@hellolanemoore) March 23, 2015
[Date] “I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
– Tommytoughstuff (@Tommytoughstuff) April 13, 2015
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake] “MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
– k e e t (@KeetPotato) April 15, 2015
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas? “pizza” “sushi” ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants? [i stare at jeff for his reaction]
– Bob Vulfov (@bobvulfov) March 7, 2015
This pic on tumblr ended racism pic.twitter.com/CoW7ckvX0Q
– jonnifer lopez (@senderblock23) October 3, 2014
ME: kno why i lov the 2nd amendment WIFE: please take off the costu- ME: BC I HAV THE RIGHT TUBE AIR ARMS WIFE: … ME: pic.twitter.com/bsI0vfPrYD
– jomny sun (@jonnysun) April 16, 2015
[Boot camp, 1700s Royal Army – Drum Section] Sergeant: your first instinct is going to be to drum faster when you’re shot at, don’t do it
– shut up, mike (@shutupmikeginn) April 18, 2015
HEAD OF THE NATIONAL WEATHER SEVICE: so how will we name all these hurricanes? GARY, WHOS BEEN DIVORCED 31 TIMES: i have an idea
– very nice kyle (@hippieswordfish) April 10, 2015
[Dog Restaurant] “Is the Book Report any good?” Yes, Sir. “How’s it prepared?” A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it. “Ooh, I’ll have that.”
– Dan O’Brien (@OtherDanOBrien) April 15, 2015
Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice (2016): Superman punches Batman in the face, killing him immediately. 2 min. Rated R.
– PaperWash© (@PaperWash) April 19, 2015
The balcony scene from Romeo and Juliet except it’s my parents yelling at each other because my dad’s been taking a shit for over an hour
– Tamara Yajia (@DancesWithTamis) April 13, 2015
My two dads when I came home after doing the teen drinking pic.twitter.com/925gBWVMxF
– Cookie’s Eye Candy (@sfreeze6) April 3, 2015
Kanye definitely buys the $20 picture of himself on the roller coaster.
– Matt Fernandez (@FattMernandez) February 9, 2015
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery] “They said no I couldn’t have any money” Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
– AnOnion (@onion_an) April 18, 2015
More very funny tweets can be found right here.
