Another week, another batch of the most hilarious tweets compiled just for you. Be sure to follow these guys and gals, and check back here every week for more jokes you can tell your friends and pretend you came up with them yourself. They’ll think you’re hilarious, but inside you’ll be cold and dead.
Follow @robfee on Twitter.
I HAD THE TIME OF MY LIFE AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE pic.twitter.com/POeUOOrOX3
– Sean Leahy (@thepunningman) January 31, 2015
*answers phone* No, you hang up.
– ghost mom (@radtoria) February 4, 2015
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
– NOT A METH LAB (@jenlaw_11) January 12, 2014
Me: I’m sad, what should I do? Stomach: I have an idea
– moody monday (@mdob11) February 3, 2015
I think my Xbox One controller is giving me signs.. pic.twitter.com/jmKvh8vWzj
– vito (@viiiiiiito) February 7, 2015
HOLLYWOOD TIP: No one will do the leg work to confirm that you were not in several Tyler Perry films.
– Solomon Georgio (@solomongeorgio) February 3, 2015
A good way to find out if someone is attracted to you is to realize it years later in a wave of flashbacks and regret.
– Karan Lyons (@karanlyons) December 11, 2014
I hope the selfie that lands my car in a ditch turns out okay.
– Stacey Lynne (@NervousJr) January 16, 2015
Why is the moon so bright. what does it want from me. Mind your own business.
– Chris Pratt’s Arms (@gspels) February 4, 2015
I like mysteries such as, what have I done with my life?
– Ryan Bateman (@rpbateman) January 28, 2015
1. have a child 2. never mention it on facebook 3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
– Jason Lastname (@JasonLastname) February 10, 2015
[dollar store orientation] Trainer: ok so how much does THIS cost? “um…a dollar?” Trainer: damn Jim you’re on the fast track to management
– Carly Danger (@carlyken) February 5, 2015
*sets a reminder about Dre*
– shauna (@goldengateblond) February 6, 2015
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
– Terry F (@daemonic3) February 9, 2015
How about another sequel to The Purge called Emotional Purge. Where once a year people only tell the truth & we watch the world fall apart.
– Sarah Schechter (@SarahSoWitty) February 2, 2015
Four out of Five dentists agree that Colgat- *Fifth dentist bursts into room* TEETH ARE A LIE PERPETUATED BY THE US GOVERNMENT TO OPRESS T
– Sad Tree (@sad_tree) January 17, 2015
Ok what kind of sicko would eat baby flavored Goldfish pic.twitter.com/Wlq6ubaIRS
– Josh Lanasa (@JoshLanasty11) February 7, 2015
POLITICAL PARTY 1: WE OFFER NOTHING BEYOND THE CONTINUANCE OF OUR DECAY AS A NATION POLITICAL PARTY 2: MAYBE MEDICINE IS ACTUALLY A DISEASE
– v chill internet dad (@Fauxgyptian) February 2, 2015
Kanye already got everyone to stop talking about Bruce Jenner. That’s a great son-in-law right there.
– Marcella Arguello (@marcellacomedy) February 9, 2015
“can i see ur phone” uh ok one sec pic.twitter.com/fYzpjoSk8n
– jomny sun (@jonnysun) February 10, 2015
Even more funny tweets can be found right here.
