Another week, another batch of the most hilarious tweets compiled just for you. Be sure to follow these guys and gals, and check back here every week for more jokes you can tell your friends and pretend you came up with them yourself. They’ll think you’re hilarious, but inside you’ll be cold and dead.
Follow @robfee on Twitter.
the impossible creature with the big ice cream cone for a head from jack in the box is married pic.twitter.com/9NyBuB4cu0
– #1 Nice Guy Here (@dogboner) January 10, 2015
no I do not know where you can buy drugs around here but I’m super flattered you asked
– keith buckley (@deathoftheparty) January 16, 2015
have a secret crush? just whisper their name into an open grave and then bury yourself in it
– priscilla (@BBW_BFF) January 12, 2015
Police: sir, can you please step out of the vehicle with your hands above your head *teacher comes out of no where* idk can you
– sosa (@69hunna) January 16, 2015
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
– studious emma (@ermahgarton) December 31, 2014
Good to see Eminem still making music for dudes who threaten to kill their mom for buying the wrong pizza rolls
– Desus Nice (@desusnice) November 12, 2014
I know this is going to disappoint Steve Who Signed My 8th Grade Yearbook, but I didn’t stay cool
– Brian Essbe (@SortaBad) January 7, 2015
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom] “Now give me my wife.” “This is short by £2.39” [hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
– paul (@FrenulumBreve) December 23, 2014
Thanks, garbage! I will 😉 pic.twitter.com/rPcXg1tN5S
– Phoebe Bottoms (@PhoebeBottoms) December 28, 2014
“Can’t believe you JUST started ignoring your coach. I didn’t even know I had one til 2002.” pic.twitter.com/WtZoCzPpww
– Myles Brown (@mdotbrown) January 16, 2015
I told my girlfriend she was drawing her eyebrows way too high. She looked surprised.
– a neat robot (@dinnersruined) January 8, 2015
U2 just announced their world tour. Do I need to buy tickets or are they going to break into my house and start playing?
– Smash (@smashbrown_) December 15, 2014
I have an inferiority complex but yours is probably better
– Captain Antagonist (@AnOrangeSNES) January 8, 2015
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
– Nice Hippo (@NicestHippo) January 9, 2015
I’m sure kidney stones are horrible but can they even hold a candle to realizing that you used the wrong Instagram filter
– Chad Brown (@staychad) January 10, 2015
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle* “No no, allow me” *gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
– Rad Kyle (@KyleMcDowell86) January 6, 2015
“What a beautiful baby boy! What will you name him?” Mom: Shane [robot voice] Username Shane is already taken Dad: Uhh how bout SMoney420
– Thynebear (@Thynebear) January 11, 2015
can’t believe Expendables 3 was snubbed for adapted screenplay after they painstakingly adapted the story of a gas leak in a planet fitness
– demi adejuyigbe (@electrolemon) January 15, 2015
it’s hip-hop. you wouldn’t get it. just take the fucking picture, hillary pic.twitter.com/BYOfZHjnqf
– romy (@romyrhoads) November 24, 2014
For only six sense a day you can see dead people.
– Amanda Mancino (@Manda_like_wine) January 1, 2015
