As a society, why did we come to the agreement that farting would be the most embarrassing thing you could do in public? Everyone does it, but no other bodily function can ruin your day quite like an unexpected and unwanted release of gas. We’ve all been there and experienced the horror of it happening at the worst possible time, so we can all relate to this list. Here are the 14 type of farts that will completely ruin your day.
1. The Tangled Water Hose
Have you ever turned the water on with a hose that was twisted up and you could see the water working its way through every corner until it finally bursts out of the opening at the end? Somehow this type of fart sounds like it’s going through the same journey. Usually chubby dads experience these when they’re trying to gently push it out. It almost sounds confused.
2. The Nike Swoosh
Draw the Nike Swoosh with your finger in the air. Now draw it with the sound effect you think your finger would make while drawing it. It starts out low then ends on a high note with a definitive period at the end. There is no denying a Nike Swoosh fart. Everyone heard it and knows it was you.
3. Led Zeppelin Hidden Message
Remember in the 80s when pastors would play rock songs backwards to try and hear hidden messages about drugs and sex? There’s a type of fart that sounds exactly like those recordings. The pitch and tone is all over the place and usually lasts for 2-3 seconds. Once it starts you can’t even attempt to stop it or you’d do internal damage. Robert Plant is coming out one way or another.
4. The Sloppy Geese
If you’ve ever been in the shower with someone else in the bathroom or in the shower with you, there’s a good chance this one has completely ruined your day. The combination of your butt, water, and gas causes it to sound like a flock of drunk geese sticking their face in a pond and violently exhaling. Honestly, it’s even embarrassing if you’re alone.
5. Depressed Drumline
This one is more of a low rumble that sounds like the start of a marching band’s big routine, but in a really sad way. It almost sounds like an old man humming while driving on a gravel road. There’s a good chance you soiled your pants after this one.
6. Tom Clancy’s Splinter Cell
Remember those Splinter Cell video games where you’d sneak up on an unsuspecting victim and choke them to death before they realized what was going on? Same concept. You didn’t do a leg lift or any telling sign, but it seeped out and hit the person next to you so hard they physically reacted. It’s too late for them to run and hide. They’ve already become a victim.
7. The Opening Act
This happens when you need to go to the bathroom, but you’re trying to hold it while the pressure builds inside like a hot air balloon from hell. You know you’re going to have to sprint to the toilet soon for the headliner, but the opening act decided to take the stage a bit early and no one is enjoying it. Usually it doesn’t make much of a sound, but everyone experienced it, so now when you excuse yourself to the restroom they’ll all know it was you. They won’t say anything, but they’ll all make eye contact and quietly judge you.
8. The Shaggy
The worst thing you can do is try and offer up a terrible lie or shift the blame when everyone knows it was you. A quick two-note fart will slip out and before anyone says a word, you’ll declare, “It wasn’t me.” Obviously it was you because you’re the first one to say it wasn’t you. Now the next time it happens, even if it wasn’t actually you, you’re going to get the blame because you’re a noted denier.
9. The Patrick Duffy
What was Patrick Duffy’s biggest success in the 90s? The TGIF classic “Step by Step,” of course. This may be one single fart, but it decides to sync up with your feet and come out in short spurts every time you take a step. With each step you think it’s done, but they just keep popping out like “Paranormal Activity” sequels.
10. The WD-40
You know that awful sound a hinge makes when it needs some WD-40? It sort of sounds like a witch blowing you a kiss while adjusting her neck. These normally happen during a fancy dinner or a meal with your boss and important clients.
11. The Ghost Hunter
If you’ve ever watched one of those paranormal investigation shows, you know the best part is the end when they go over the footage and playback unusual or unexplainable sounds. They’re usually quick and abrupt and while you can’t really tell what you just heard, you know it was something evil. These farts fire off quickly and definitely weren’t intended to be heard, but the audio has been captured and will play over and over in our minds forever.
12. The Mom
This one doesn’t have a fun name or a unique sound. It’s just the terrible experience of hearing your mom fart and realizing that, as much as you adore this wonderful woman, her body is just as gross as the rest of us. The Mom can cause irreversible damage and change your entire perception of the world.
13. The M. Night Shyamalan
You think you know what’s coming, but at the last minute it completely changes and goes in a direction you never expected. You thought it was just going to be a small, innocent release, but somehow you didn’t realize the balloon you were popping was a water balloon. Your underwear isn’t ruined, but they’re going in the trash because you never want to think about what just happened again.
14. The Tampa Bay Buccaneer
If this one happens in public, be prepared to never visit that place again for the rest of your life. It starts out bad, then gets worse, and just keeps going in the most awful way imaginable. You can’t stop it and by the time it’s over people have gone from being upset with you to legitimate concern. It’s just sad, to be honest.
