Authorities Think Porpoise Humped Itself to Death

We have finally found a case in which the phrase, “Well, at least he died doing what he loved!” would be an accurate statement.

According to The Argus, experts believe a dead porpoise that was dumped in an alleyway in Worthing, England probably first washed up onto the beach after it died from having too much sex.

A member of the Cetacean Strandings Investigation Program performed an autopsy on the mammal and said that it most likely died from “starvation after using too much energy mating.”

“This appears to be an elderly porpoise,” Rob Deaville said. “[It] would have had to expend most of his energy reserves to mate – leaving him deathly hungry and cold.”

Deaville added that the porpoise was probably carried into town, and he “strongly suspected” the person who did so was drunk.

“Sadly, it’s not the first time this has happened, and it won’t be the last,” Deaville said. “We got a call once about a dolphin that was stuffed inside a phone box in Kent.”

For the porpoise’s sake, it’s a good thing this didn’t happen in Florida, as the drunk guy who carried it into town probably would have tried to have sex with it first: Florida Man Had Sex With His Pit Bull in Front of His Neighbors

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