If you believe in hell, then you probably look at it as a place of eternal suffering and despair. It’s a place where everything you fear and dread comes to life. No one knows if it’s real or what happens there, but if it is, here’s a list of things that probably happen while you’re there.
1. Every online search you’ve ever done was logged by Satan and is read aloud to your parents and grandparents.
2. You’re in a room full of adorable puppies, but your hands are made of chocolate so if you try and pet them, they’ll die.
3. You’re trying to get away from a tidal wave of flames, but every highway is one narrow lane with 600 cyclists in front of you and they refuse to let you pass.
4. Every delivery or cable repairman will tell you they’ll be there between 8 a.m. to 2 p.m., but they wait until you go to the bathroom at 2:25 p.m. then leave a note saying you weren’t there so you need to start over and make another appointment.
5. All the socks in hell are just a little stretched out, so each time you take more than three steps, they fall down and roll up under your foot. This happens while you’re being chased by wolves, by the way.
6. You have access to email, but every time you write something, a guy is looking over your shoulder and quietly reading everything you write out loud.
7. There is also public transportation. However, a sweaty guy that breathes loudly sits in the seat directly next to you every single time, even though the entire bus or train is empty.
8. The smoke detectors have low batteries that beep every 30 seconds to alert you, but all your ladders still keep them six inches out of your reach.
9. The only Internet is dial-up and it requires you to reconnect every 10 minutes. Then, each website you click on has ads that play music. Then once you close them all, the site keeps trying to make you download their mobile app.
10. For the first year, you have to spend every day trying to fold fitted sheets. Then the next year is attempting to fit a sheet on a bed that’s just large enough where one corner comes off as soon as you put the other one on the bed.
11. You get put in a chair like the one in “A Clockwork Orange,” and you’re forced to look at vacation pictures of your ex and her new husband.
12. Every straw is the exact same size as the cup, so you have to make a conscious effort to keep it from sinking past the lid.
13. You get to see your favorite comedians live, but every time you laugh, a dentist gets to drill into your teeth.
14. You have to try and correctly spell a teen girl’s name, but every time you get a letter wrong, a demon whips you with a chain. Good luck with Briatteneyy.
15. Every customer service number only has the option for voice command and if you clear your throat or a dog barks two blocks away, it says, “I’m sorry, I didn’t get that. Let me repeat everything over again.”
16. Leopards made of fire chase you down a dirt road right after it rains and you’re only allowed to wear flip-flops.
17. Every homeless person you told you didn’t have any change when you actually did gets to cough directly into your mouth.
18. The only shopping carts are those small ones where you can only fit 2 or 3 items and they all have a loose wheel that vibrates and wobbles every time you push it.
19. There are infinite packs of Starbursts, but every one you open is full of nothing but yellows.
20. Every public toilet has a broken lock so you have to figure out how to hold it shut while focusing on going to the bathroom. There’s an impatient line on the other side of the door that keeps knocking.
21. The bottom of your foot will start itching in the most painful way possible, but every time you pull off one sock to get to it, another one appears.
22. Your mouth is taped shut and your hands are tied behind your back while you’re forced to walk around a room where everyone has a tag sticking out of the back of their shirt.
23. There are also DVRs in hell, but they record 59 minutes of your favorite shows and cut off the big ending as well as the previews for next week. There aren’t reruns or reviews, so you never get to find out what happened.
24. Once a month there’s a movie screening, but the person next to you has already seen it, so they keep saying, “oh watch this part” or “you need to remember this guy” through the entire film.
25. Every time you say something funny or insightful, no one hears you except for the devil. Then he says it loudly and everyone laughs and thinks he’s so hilarious.
