Another week, another batch of the most hilarious tweets compiled just for you. Be sure to follow these guys and gals, and check back here every week for more jokes you can tell your friends and pretend you came up with them yourself. They’ll think you’re hilarious, but inside you’ll be cold and dead.
Follow @robfee on Twitter.
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.” Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!” [whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
– Katie Orr (@IAmKatieOrr) July 27, 2014
I give up, fruit flies, this is your kitchen now. It was probably always yours.
– Brian Gaar (@briangaar) September 28, 2014
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like “MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
– Sad Tree (@sad_tree) August 18, 2014
Instead of getting married I’m just gonna find a woman that hates me and give her a house
– Shōgun of Twîtter (@shwebby3) November 12, 2013
When you hit the wrong button on Madden and have goal line defense setup on a pass play pic.twitter.com/3OldqleEAf
– Christopher Hudspeth (@CEHudspeth) September 28, 2014
Siri, whose trunk am I in?
– Raspberry Jam (@Jenny4ashley) November 16, 2013
My ex said she left me because of my short attention span. Unbeknownst to her I actually..damn. Thats a cool ass word right? Unbeknownst..
– Squirrel Thug Gang (@Mikecanrant) January 10, 2013
wow, my band “coldplay secret show” played a sold out gig tonight for four hundred very angry people
– demi adejuyigbe (@electrolemon) September 26, 2014
If you name your band Lost Cat you’ll never have to advertise again
– Glenn Rockowitz (@justaride) September 25, 2014
my hero? gotta be Johnny Depp’s character in “Transcendence”. I admire him for getting online even after he’s dead
– keith buckley (@deathoftheparty) September 25, 2014
[shows up late for first day of new job] *blames it on rush hour* [shows up late for second day of new job] *blames it on rush hour 2*
– Brent (@murrman5) September 11, 2014
Messed up that we still cant talk about beetles without ppl assuming u mean the band. They dont even exist anymore. its time to mean the bug
– kkbk (@freecorgi) September 23, 2014
Saw a chick working at Home Depot that looked just like my ex; it definitely wasn't my ex tho because like I said, she was working.
– Pete C (@peteec) September 25, 2014
Cosmo’s Top 3 Questions That Will Drive Your Man Crazy in Bed: 1. Is it in? 2. Are you done yet? 3. What should we get for dinner?
– Mary Charlene (@IamEnidColeslaw) September 18, 2014
my favorite bands are muse and the black keys. i also love the taste of flour
– TacticalMaximumTrent (@swarthyvillain) September 2, 2013
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
– Ristolable (@Ristolable) June 10, 2014
“Who’sthekiller? I’mnotthekiller. Areyouthekiller? Sowhoisit? Nobodyknows. Doyouknow? Whataboutyou,haircut?” -Vince Vaughn in True Detective
– NeilDaGrassfedBison (@robo_junkie) September 24, 2014
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?” *throws pineapple against grocery store wall* “Ah nuts that was a good one.”
– Marfthew (@shadygrenade) April 17, 2014
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
– chuuch (@ch000ch) September 1, 2014
I’m starting a support group at my house for people with OCD. I don’t have it but hopefully one of them will be bothered enough to clean it.
– Notorious P.U.G. (@LuvPug) September 15, 2014
