Another week, another batch of the most hilarious tweets compiled just for you. Be sure to follow these guys and gals, and check back here every week for more jokes you can tell your friends and pretend you came up with them yourself. They’ll think you’re hilarious, but inside you’ll be cold and dead.
Follow @robfee on Twitter.
Most of the time if a man has a ponytail and a baby he stole that baby.
– Will Kane (@3rdand10) April 29, 2014
My daughter just ran off with my toothbrush and started stirring the toilet with it, in case you’re wondering whether or not to have toilets
– Jacy Catlin (@ieatanddrink) June 28, 2013
*housekeeper knocks at hotel door* “Would you like turn down service?” *giggling, puts on sunglasses* “TURN DOWN FOR WHAT?” “Ugh nevermind”
– Sean Doolittle (@whatwouldDOOdo) June 3, 2014
Do you have 11 protons? Cause your sodium fine.
– bebe the boss (@Shkungie) February 8, 2013
I went backpacking after college… But like white girl backpacking. There were no backpacks. It was basically Taken without the Taking.
– Jamie Lee (@TheJamieLee) September 7, 2014
I hope it’s raining the night a serial killer makes me dig my own grave because guess who just got a free in-ground pool, you psychopath
– Jason Miller (@longwall26) September 12, 2014
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
– Stephanie McMaster (@Smethanie) May 1, 2013
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
– shut up, mike (@shutupmikeginn) August 5, 2014
I wish todays youth had to endure the humiliation of having your dad pick up the landline phone and start dialing while you’re talking on it
– Monica Ann (@Monicann86) September 26, 2013
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
– Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) February 28, 2014
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
– megan (@megchambe) January 31, 2014
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!” [Meanwhile in Hell] Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
– Thynebear (@Thynebear) November 1, 2013
Yes, how much for the baby jacuzzi? Ma’am, that’s a crockpot.
– Dani Fernandez (@msdanifernandez) April 8, 2014
*Mom giving tour of house* *opens 36 y/o son’s bedroom door* *son is playing cards* “And this, unfortunately, is where the Magic happens…”
– Chase Observes (@Chase_Observes) May 13, 2013
i have the best mom she sings the national anthem before all of my madden games thanks mom
– Fantasy Football Man (@HumanPog) May 5, 2013
[in a normal speaking voice from top row of football stadium] Good luck today guys
– Brendan O’Hare (@brendohare) September 14, 2014
Hummingbirds are just regular birds that can’t remember the lyrics.
– Jerm Himselfish (@JermHimselfish) March 3, 2013
“maybe she’s born with it” *cut to baby emerging from vagina wearing full eye makeup, the doctor shrieks, pulls fire alarm*
– Saragh Adams (@SaraghAdams) January 17, 2014
One of McDonald’s mascots is a guy who steals from McDonald’s.
– Tyler Schmall (@tylerschmall) March 11, 2014
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
– (maura) (@behindyourback) January 22, 2014
