Photo: George Coppock (Getty)
If any topic in the world needs to be discussed, it’s what it takes to think of something so bizarre that not even Pornhub will serve up results. I’m assuming the average search on there usually falls under the sex category, but what if you try to search for the most non-sexual things you can come up with? I tried it and here’s what happened.
Let’s start with something that, while not sexual in nature, is probably ripe for an XXX parody. I searched “Harry Potter” and not surprisingly:
What Does It Take to Get ‘No Results Found’ on PornHub?
Screenshot: Pornhub
There were pages of results. I noticed the related searches on the side and realized I should get away from anything cinematic because they’ve got it covered. Everything from “Scooby Doo” to “The Simpsons.”
Let’s take it in another direction and try everyone’s favorite savings destination: Walmart.
Screenshot: Pornhub
Not only are there results for Walmart, but also every other unsanitary place you’d never think about making whoopee, as the ’70s would say.
Clearly it needs to be even less sexy than Walmart. Finally, a success:
Screenshot: Pornhub
Looks like the adult film world isn’t catering to those who want to see their W-2s flash a little skin.
What about the absolute worst store to walk by at the mall?
Screenshot: Pornhub
I was shocked until I realized that most of those words on their own could incorporate some sort of sex, so I guess that makes sense. Don’t get too cocky though (tee hee), Pornhub. I was pleasantly surprised to find no results for the world’s most famous ogre:
Screenshot: Pornhub
I know there has to be plenty of user-made Shrek porn, but it looks like he and Donkey haven’t crossed over to the big time yet.
This one is interesting because, while it did have results, there were only three.
Screenshot: Pornhub
Plus, as you can see, the third one has a 0% rating, which means it’s probably just a lady eating a bowl of cereal then waving at the camera.
Somehow I got exactly three results the next search as well:
Now I’m sure if I went to the right site there would be pages of results for every animal, but it looks like no one is doing Toys ‘R’ Us porn parodies yet.
Let’s see if the rest of the animal kingdom is as well-respected as the mighty giraffe:
So apparently there’s a thing called sharking where a girl wearing a short skirt has her underwear pulled down, usually in Japan. That’s weird, so let’s try to take it in a completely different direction:
Now we just have a bunch of aquariums in the mix and not a single reference to Mark Cuban or his hit television show. Should we roll with that? Yes.
Once again there are numerous results. It has to be a weird feeling to know that you can do a Pornhub search of “clearance shark tank at Petsmart” and see your face as a result. Really makes you question some life choices.
Let’s see if there are any truly awful people uploading videos:
Yep! Not only that, but why are people searching for terrorists on Pornhub? What possible scenarios are you wanting to unearth with that criteria? Does it keep going further?
Noooooo! I don’t want to know why anyone is using that as a keyword in their erotic searches. I have one last shred of hope for the future of our species. Let’s see what happens here:
THANK GOD! You can parody almost any movie, but this is definitely an exception. Let’s lighten the mood a little and see if “The Walking Dead” has crossed over into the adult market:
Not a huge shocker there, but let’s see if the guardian of the garden/the Batman villain is represented in porn:
No scarecrow results whatsoever. Hey porn, if you’re looking for an untapped market, I found it for you. To thank me for my discovery, can you agree to continue to avoid this market:
Thank you!
