Tell me, doctor, where are we going this time? Is this the 50’s, or 1999? All I wanted to do was play my guitar and sing. Thank you, Huey, for teaching us to love time travel. Again.
Back to the Future. It was the biggest ht of 1985, grossing over $210 million to date. It is also beloved by an entire generation, having earned an implacable and untouchable place in the pop culture firmament. Like a few other pop flicks from the 1980s (Ghostbusters, etc.), Back to the Future has become something of a cultural milestone; a guidepost for millions to guide their ships by. This is a film so well-loved that we just sort of accept its greatness. It’s a film people saw as kids, and carried deal to their hearts into adulthood.
It was also critically lauded. Roger Ebert invoked the sacred name of Frank Capra while describing it, and most critics tend to agree that Back to the Future was a lighthearted and clever fantasy/comedy that evoked joy and wonder. Even when going back to revisit it, most critics praise it; it has a 96% approval rating on Rotten Tomatoes.
But, my soon-to-be-irritated friends, this is Trolling, CraveOnline‘s weekly film series dedicated entirely to pissing you off. And here at Trolling, it’s our job to put our greasy mitts all over the untouchable. And, after looking at Back to the Future, we can easily come to the following conclusion: Back to the Future SUCKS. Seriously, this flick is a mess, and not just because of all the dunderhead chronology. Read on and prepare to seethe, my lovelies, because we like to dissect living things and make ’em dead.
Back to the Future is a delightful comedic fantasy, and it’s a fun one to haul out time and again. It was one of those Hollywood mega-hits that people actually remember and seem to enjoy. But, through all the delightful humor and the clever-sounding ideas is a messy, dumb, and sloppy film with a boring, boring hero who almost sleeps with his own teenage mother.
Until next week, let the hate mail flow.
Witney Seibold is the head film critic for Nerdist, and a contributor on the CraveOnline Film Channel, and co-host of The B-Movies Podcast. You can read his weekly articles Trolling, Free Film School and The Series Project, and follow him on “Twitter” at @WitneySeibold, where he is slowly losing his mind.
Back to the Future SUCKS
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Marty is Boring
Marty McFly is our hero. He's also one of the blandest heroes of any film ever. When looking back at other films made in the mid-1980s, we have a string of dynamic and funny heroes. Think of Dr. Peter Venkman from Ghostbusters. Or Otto from Repo Man. Or Tracy from Hairspray. These people have interests, hobbies, things that make them angry. They are exciting to watch. In comparison, Marty McFly has no character whatsoever. He's a Gallant without a Goofus to compare himself to. A blank slate. He's a milquetoast teenager whose only interest seems to be rock 'n' roll. Which brings me to my next point.
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Marty is Most Certainly Not a Rock Guy
Given that he's so boring, I have a lot of trouble believing that Marty is into rock 'n' roll, especially of the type that adults would tell him to turn down. The adults behave as if Marty is some sort of hard rock hellion, when most moms would love for their daughters to date someone so non-threatening. In 1985, acts like Judas Priest, Iron Maiden, Motörhead, Venom, and Alice Cooper were already making a name for themselves, and you want me to believe that squeaky clean Marty McFly has any sort of rock power? Hanoi Rocks could out-rock this kid. I'm surprised he even knows who Chuck Berry is.
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Why is Marty Friends with Doc?
Marty McFly happens to be friends with a kooky local mad scientist named Doc Brown who invents time travel. This has been brought up many times in the past, but I have to address it again: Why is a middle-of-the-road white teenage boy friends enough with a mad scientist that he feels comfortable with going over to his house early in the morning? I see no reason that Marty and Doc Brown would even be acquainted, much less close companions.
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Why a Car?
Doc Brown makes a time travel machine that just so happens to be wired into the guts of a car. In order to operate the time machine, the car has to be driving at 88 mph (something about charging a time-travel battery). Doc Brown is a scientist, right? Wouldn't you think there is a more reliable way to charge forward at 88mph without driving? How about time traveling with a modular straight track, and running a specially designed machine that can jump from 0 – 88 in a matter of seconds? Or a round chamber that can spin you around? Fewer variables means better science. Doc Brown, by putting his time machine in a car, added hundreds. Dummy.
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What is Up with the Libyan Thing?
Doc Brown is killed by Libyans in the film's opening scenes, instigating Marty's accidental trip back in time to 1955. Um... What? Libyan terrorists killed Doc Brown? The creepy small-town mad scientist whose only friend is a boring white teenage boy? He knows how to contact Libyan terrorists? I like to think I'm a resourceful guy, but even if I wanted to contact Libyan terrorists, I wouldn't know where to start. Neither do you. Even if you're living in Libya. And yet, this old kook knows enough to find them, do business with them, betray them, and stay still long enough to get killed. This entire plot conceit is awful.
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Too Much Product Placement
I know this is a big-budget mainstream feature film, but the product placement is particularly egregious. Indeed, a joke about Pepsi is written right into the script. I hate that crap.
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Causality, Causality
Time travel stories are hard to do, especially when characters travel back in time. Although Back to the Future kind of tips its hat to notions of causality, mistakes are everywhere. Like the Chuck Berry thing. Who wrote “Johnny B. Goode?” Berry or McFly? And why did Berry wait until 1958 to “write” it? Would Marty really see his own picture fade away? Wouldn't time just all automatically reset? Would a prom be enough to cement his own existence? Especially now that his mom is in love with this mysterious Calvin Klein? There are hundreds of these little problems sprinkled all over this movie. And, on an unrelated note, would George McFly really ask a girl out just because a scary cyborg from the future bullied him into doing so? Think about how freaking weird that is for a second. Would you take advice from Darth Vader from the planet Vulcan?
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Come Now, No Time Travel Creativity?
Marty McFly has a time machine which he uses to accidentally mess up his own family, but then proceeds to repair. Then he uses Doc's help to get back to the present (not to the future, as the title promises). Why stay there? His existence is fine. Why didn't Marty immediately use the repaired time machine to go to, I dunno, the year AD 10,191? Or back in time to the Big Bang? A time machine can be used to unlock the secrets of the universe and the mysteries of history, and he uses it to, what, muck around with his parents in the '50s, and then head home? It seems to me that this machine is being wasted on this crazy old man and this toast-dry teen.
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“Gigawatts” has a hard “G”
Pronounce it right, Mr. Scientist. Also, unrelated: OUTATIME is eight characters. California license plates only allow for seven.
