It’s hard to believe that Mortal Kombat, that most iconic name in video game violence is 24 years old this year. That’s old enough to date Hugh Hefner – almost too old actually.
Anyway rather than let this news reduce you to heap of rapidly aging misery, why not join us by jumping on the nostalgia train and re-imagining What Mortal Kombat Would Be Like If It Were Set In Australia.
So Much More Swearing
While the original game found it hard enough getting around the censors with all the graphic violence, it would have been even harder had the game been set in Australia if only because of all the swearing. Can you imagine Aussie Scorpion saying ‘get over here’ without adding ‘the fuck’ in the middle?
Increased Violence Thanks To Custom Aussie Fatalities and Special Moves
Really though the swearing would be the least of the game’s worries as any Aussie version of the game would also likely feature even more violence than the bloodsoaked original. We’d have some true blue special moves fresh from the NRL to add to the fray such as the squirrel grip and infamous ‘Hopoate’.
All The Levels Would Be Pubs, Football Clubs or Casinos
Originally set on an island, the similarities between the game’s setting and Australia end about there. Where in the game and later the movie all the fights took place on exotic beaches, in temples or even other-worldly battle arenas, we all know that if it were set in Australia about the most luxurious setting we’d see is a Crown Casino gaming lounge or the verandah at an RSL club.
There’d Be A Great Local Cast
The original game famously casting actors in motion capture to create the characters, if it was set in Australia the game would obviously want to get some local talent on board to add to the authenticity to it all. Here’s who we reckon would have been cast.
Karl Stefanovic = Johnny Cage
Cage is the fast talking, wise cracking comic relief in Mortal Kombat, much as Stefanovic is to the morning news – except of course that Stefanovic’s world is far more bloodthirsty and ruthless.
Clive Palmer = Goro
A four armed half-man half-dragon monster, Clive Palmer would be the perfect choice to play Goro (the role of Jabba The Hutt being unavailable). Most of all though I’d just love to see Clive with a top knot.
Chris Lilley – Shang Tsung
While the character is Asian and there are countless talented Asian actors to choose from, this being Australia we’d most likely cast Chris Lilley in yellow face. Not only would he add some much needed comic relief to the one-dimensional arch character, Tsung’s shapeshifting abilities would allow Lilley to indulge in his favourite past time – playing multiple character as culturally insensitive caricatures.
Shane Warne – Reptile
This one doesn’t feel like it needs much of an explanation beyond Warney’s leathery face depicted above. That’s hardly the end of his reptilian attributes, but I’ve got a word limit to keep to.
Mortal Kombat XL is available now for Playstation 4 and Xbox One and you can grab a copy here.
