The biggest hype-baiting reunion of 2016 is just two months and change shy of launching, for better or most assuredly worse, when Guns n’ Roses takes the stage at the new T-Mobile Arena in Las Vegas on April 8 and April 9, before headlining California’s Coachella Music And Arts Festival on April 16 and April 23. New details are coming to light about what’s in store for fans of GNR when at least three of the original members return to the stage for the first time since grunge was still a thing and nobody had even heard of the internet yet.
GNR is a cornerstone of my youth, so I’ve had some difficulty in processing the idea of a 2016 reunion, which by all indications is going to be a colossally disappointing shitshow due to the swiftly declining onstage abilities of megalomaniacal frontman Axl “Fat Elvis” Rose. I want to give some benefit of the doubt, despite some hilariously terrible evidence of what’s to come. But one piece of concrete evidence has arrived to support the idea that this fan-raping experience will be an utter charade of greed and ridiculousness: the band’s “Signature VIP Experience” at their upcoming Las Vegas shows.
Going for $2,500 apiece, the “Signature VIP Experience” is a premium-tier option offering a number of perks: one ticket in the first ten rows, a signed, numbered, limited-edition tour poster, a photo on the stage before the show, a backstage tour, pre-show cocktails, access to a VIP hospitality lounge, a dinner buffet and drinks, prizes, private merchandise shopping and other “perks.”
Let’s go back to the first detail: the buyer is spending $2,500 for one ticket. But wait, there’s more to this utter fuckery: you won’t be meeting the band as part of the “Signature VIP Experience”.
There is no meet-and-greet opportunity with Axl Rose, Slash and Duff McKagan. But hey, you can sit on the stage before anybody gets there!
To compensate for the fact that your VIP package doesn’t get you anything to actually indicate top-tier access beyond a ticket in the first ten rows, buyers also get the “Essential Guns N’ Roses VIP Gift Bag,” including special merchandise and a commemorative VIP laminate and matching lanyard. Because nothing says “I was there” like a commemorative VIP laminate and all those awesome stories about walking through the backstage area that one time before any of the band has even arrived at the venue.
GNR were once gods, the only band to truly straddle the schism between the collapsed hair metal era and the grime rock generation that followed. It only worked for a time, before egos and control issues devoured the promise and mojo of the greatest collective to ever rock the Sunset Strip, leaving a generation of tattooed leathered copycats and venereal half-cocked celebrators in their stead. Now we have this hell-frozen-over reunion, risen from the ashes of Axl’s faltering musical Frankenstein in recent years. This one is geared for arenas and big-budget productions, cold calculations for nostalgia mining and “healing” after two decades of vitriolic trash talk. With Axl’s significantly diminishing ability, we should not hope for that band we remember from so long ago – let’s instead just cross our fingers that the entire thing doesn’t come apart at the seams as it rattles down rock’s unforgiving gravel road.
