Sam Smith is Somehow “Shocked” That There’s Racism in London

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Sam Smith, who is nestled safely between David Hasselhoff and Prince Charles as one of the three whitest men on Earth, has said that he is “shocked” racism exists in London after stating that one of his friends was racially abused in the England capital.

The singer, famous for singing songs that appeal to a demographic solely consisting of people who post those inspirational memes on Facebook that are accompanied by an incongruous image of a Minion, took to Twitter to explain his shock that one of his friends was subjected to racist abuse in the city, and wound up sounding like an alien who had just crash-landed onto the planet.

In a series of five messages, all of which were greeted by helpful pointers from his followers to “watch the news”, Smith said that he “never ever ever thought that would happen here [sic]”, “that” meaning racism. 

Smith’s astonishment at racism existing in London suggests a complete detachment from society, as the only way the singer could possibly be shocked by the notion of racists living in the capital is if he’s hermetically sealed in some sort of human-sized container whenever he’s not singing. While this would explain his vampiric complexion, it doesn’t explain how a pre-fame Smith who was born and raised in London managed to avoid hearing about racism in the city throughout the entirety of his 23 years. He even says that he feels he should “shine some sort of light on it”, as though he’s made a startling new discovery and prior to the events of January 20th, London’s multicultural society lived in blissful harmony, like people in a fucking Coca-Cola advert or something.

I’ve always pegged Sam Smith as a bit of a dullard. He gives off the air of someone who was accidentally given a tremendous singing voice; like God messed up his paperwork and somehow wound up making a retail assistant a global superstar, but was too embarrassed to rectify his mistake. It’s not too surprising, then, that he’s shocked at being confronted (or rather, his friend was confronted by) racism, but at least now he’s putting a spotlight on this issue, everyone might finally decide to end racism once and for all. 

In the future we will perhaps look back to January 20th, and remember it not as a day in which a celebrity said something dumb on the Internet again, but as the day in which the guy who sang the theme to a shit Bond film finally gave us all the courage to end racism once and for all. God speed, Sam Smith.