Maria Hill: What does “S.H.I.E.L.D.” stand for, Agent Ward?
Agent Ward: Strategic Homeland Intervention, Enforcement, and Logistics Division.
Maria Hill: And what does that mean to you?
Agent Ward: It means someone really wanted our initials to spell out “Shield.”
~ Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.
Any time you hear a “clever” acronym in a movie, you can bet there was a stressed out writer, desperately trying to make it work. Because most fictional acronyms don’t happen by accident. Cool words made out of other words are a tough job that requires lots of staring at dictionaries. And sometimes these storytellers get it right with a name that sounds logical and badass (like S.H.I.E.L.D. or S.P.E.C.T.R.E.) and sometimes it sounds like someone forced it way too hard.
So as we ponder the beloved acronym this weekend, mostly because The Man from U.N.C.L.E. is finally out (it stands for United Network Command for Law Enforcement, not too shabby), let’s take a moment to ponder our favorite pop culture acronyms that make us laugh out loud, by design or otherwise.
(In order to qualify, all acronyms must have originated in fiction and must actually stand for something, even if it’s ludicrous. So we are sorry, Team America: World Police… but your I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E. doesn’t count. )
M.A.S.K.
STANDS FOR: Mobile Armored Strike Kommand
Back in the 1980s, when any animated series could be a hit if it had cool enough toys, there was M.A.S.K. The show was essentially a cross between G.I. Joe and Transformers, in which a team of do-gooders drove transforming vehicles, and wore masks.
We’re not sure what the most important aspect to the show was, especially where the title is concerned. The masks are hardly the most important part of the show (or the toys) but they obviously really, really wanted M.A.S.K. to be the title of the series, and went so far as to completely misspell the word “command” in order to get there. So they can build motorcycles that turn into helicopters, but they can’t read at a 5th grade level?
Incidentally, the arch-enemy of M.A.S.K. was V.E.N.O.M., which stood for Vicious Evil Network Of Mayhem, which is pretty good but doesn’t really tie into the whole mask and vehicle theme. We’ll let V.E.N.O.M. get away with an honorable mention.
U.L.T.I.M.A.T.U.M.
Marvel Comics
STANDS FOR: Underground Liberated Totally Integrated Mobile Army To Unite Mankind
We feel bad for whatever intern was forced to come up with an acronym for U.L.T.I.M.A.T.U.M., because you can tell that they were really struggling with this one. “Totally Integrated?” “Dude, they’re like totally integrated. Just let me go to lunch, okay?”
Hailing from Marvel Comics, which beyond the aforementioned S.H.I.E.L.D. has always had its fair share of belabored acronyms, these are perhaps the jauntiest Captain America villains in the history of the series, with too-cute berets and white uniforms that seemingly never get stained. And no matter how despicable their deeds become, with a name like U.L.T.I.M.A.T.U.M. they will always a joke. Like, totally a joke.
S.P.E.W.
Warner Bros.
STANDS FOR: Society for the Promotion of Elfish Welfare
In a plot point that was actually kind of important in J.K. Rowling’s Harry Potter novels, but ultimately cut out of the movies altogether, Hermione Granger started a political activism committee calling for the liberation of House Elves, a slave-like underclass in the wizarding community. It was probably doomed to fail (even the House Elves didn’t care for it), but it might have stood a better chance at catching on if she hadn’t given it the acronym S.P.E.W.
To be fair, S.P.E.W. is “technically” better than her original name, Stop the Outrageous Abuse of Our Fellow Magical Creatures and Campaign for a Change in Their Legal Status (SOAOFMCCCTLS?), which Hermione eventually vetoed because it didn’t fit on a pin.
F.L.D.S.M.D.F.R.
STANDS FOR: The Flint Lockwood Diatonic Super Mutating Dynamic Food Replicator
The whole point of an acronym is that it’s supposed to spell something, but don’t tell that to Flint Lockwood. The eccentric scientist responsible for all the mayhem in Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs just throws a bunch of descriptors together and then tries to pronounce it anyway.
There’s no point in lying here: there are funnier jokes in the Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs movies. But as far as acronym humor goes – and with us, it goes pretty far – we still think this one’s a winner.
N.O.M.A.N.
Universal Studios
STANDS FOR: National Organization for Matrimonial Attorneys Nationwide
The Coen Bros. were in the middle of a serious career slump when Intolerable Cruelty came out in 2003, and sure enough, this awkward and artificially mannered rom-com starring George Clooney and Catherine Zeta-Jones remains one of their worst films. How bad is it? We only laughed once, and it was at an acronym.
George Clooney plays a divorce lawyer who falls for the woman his client is divorcing (Zeta-Jones), and at one point he gives a speech to an organization of divorce lawyers called N.O.M.A.N. As in the marriage rite, “What therefore God hath joined together, let N.O.M.A.N. put asunder.”
Alright so it’s not a thigh slapper but you’ve got to admit at least someone put some thought into it.
S.A.N.D.E.R.S.
NBC
STANDS FOR: Systematic Android Network Diode Energy Rocket System
The hilarious sitcom Community always had trouble staying on the air. By the second season they were already taking money from KFC for product placement, and using the fried chicken company’s mascot as the onboard computer of a space shuttle simulator that threatened their entire cast/crew of the show.
It’s really, really stupid, but it’s also hard not to laugh at lines like, “Just as KFC’s secret process seals in the flavor, I’m sealing in the cabin’s air so you don’t explode on your journey.” S.A.N.D.E.R.S., you cut-rate HAL knock-0ff, we totally love you.
H.E.L.P.I.N.G. C.H.I.L.D.R.E.N. T.H.R.O.U.G.H. R.E.S.E.A.R.C.H. A.N.D. D.E.V.E.L.O.P.M.E.N.T.
STANDS FOR: Hi Everyone, Let’s Pitch In N Get Cracking Here In Louisiana Doing Right, Eh? Now Then, Hateful, Rich, Overbearing Ugly Guys Hurt Royally Everytime Someone Eats A Radish, Carrot, Hors d’oeuvre, And Never Does Dishes. Eventually, Victor Eats Lunch Over Peoria Mit Ein Neuesberger Tod
Those mischievous scamps at Mystery Science Theater 3000 outdid themselves this time: an acronym so long that it sounds like a sentence that needs an acronym. What’s even better is that this sketch includes a fantastic runner-up. Sure, Tom Servo is doing a walkathon for H.E.L.P.I.N.G. C.H.I.L.D.R.E.N. T.H.R.O.U.G.H. R.E.S.E.A.R.C.H. A.N.D. D.E.V.E.L.O.P.M.E.N.T. but Crow T. Robot is walking for W.A.L.K.A.T.H.O.N., which obviously stands for Walkers At Large Kinetically Altruistic Through Hygiene Or Nowledge.
William Bibbiani (everyone calls him ‘Bibbs’) is Crave’s film content editor and critic. You can hear him every week on The B-Movies Podcast and watch him on the weekly YouTube series Most Craved and What the Flick. Follow his rantings on Twitter at @WilliamBibbiani.
