If the first Ted taught us anything… well, I’d be very surprised. There wasn’t a whole lot to Seth MacFarlane’s 2012 comedy except a whole lot of stoner humor and a knockdown, dragged out fight scene between Mark Wahlberg and a CGI teddy bear. Granted that was basically the point, but one had to wonder if there was really enough material left over to warrant an entire sequel. Does a foul-mouthed Teddy Ruxpin knockoff deserve two feature length movies?
The answer is no, of course not, but needing something and having it are two different things. Ted 2, like the first movie, is an overstuffed pile of tawdry jokes and pop culture references, framed around a contrived plot and repeatedly saved by Wahlberg and MacFarlane’s amusing chemistry. Also like the first movie, it makes you laugh just enough to begrudgingly accept its existence. Ted 2 is one of those Chia Pet movies: completely unnecessary, but vaguely amusing if you happen to have it right in front of you.
The plot unfolds not unlike a Simpsons episode, starting off in one direction and then getting sidetracked by a completely different story. Ted, voiced by Seth MacFarlane, finally gets married to his girlfriend Tami-Lynn (Jessica Barth), but one year later they’re just a step away from spousal abuse. The solution to their problem, naturally, is to have a baby, but since Ted can’t father a child himself he winds up convincing his old buddy John (Wahlberg) to help him steal sperm from football star Tom Brady (Tom Brady).
When that doesn’t work, and the next crazy scheme doesn’t work, and the next, Ted and Tami-Lynn finally decide to adopt, only to discover that Ted is not legally considered a person. The government targets Ted by freezing his assets and taking away his job, forcing the bear to hire a young upstart pothead civil liberties lawyer named Samantha L. Jackson (Amanda Seyfried, and har-har-har) to stand up for his rights in court.
Meanwhile… geez, this just keeps going… Ted’s arch-nemesis Donny (Giovanni Ribisi) has started working for Hasbro, and he conspires to manipulate the trial so Ted can be officially considered a piece of property. If Ted is property, then kidnapping him would only be considered petty theft, so Hasbro can just yank him out of John’s arms, dissect him and geez… I just give up. The bear talks smack a lot and there’s jokes about Google and penises and weed.
It’s actually rather fascinating to discover that Seth MacFarlane takes Ted seriously enough to go to all this trouble. It’s only a little amusing to see a teddy bear go through tons of heavy drama, testifying in court and trying to make his blue collar marriage work. When Ted 2 actually zings it has nothing to do with the plot, or even the musical numbers and fight scenes that MacFarlane obviously loves so much.
No, Ted 2 works best when it’s about the relationship between Ted and John, two believable buddies who just happen to have met under unbelievable circumstances. They care about each other, they have funny things to say in each other’s company, and they manage to incorporate Samantha into their tried-and-true comedy dynamic without making her feel like just another love interest.
When Ted 2 cracks wise, it’s a very funny film. When it overextends itself – which is most of the time – it’s mostly just tedious. Tedious. Ted-ious. Ha.
William Bibbiani is the editor of CraveOnline’s Film Channel and the host of The B-Movies Podcast. Follow him on Twitter at @WilliamBibbiani.
