Enough already. We’re closing in on the end of 2014, and gleefully drowning in hyperbole while going all-in on the internet’s version of the telephone game, where facts and quotes transform with alarming fluidity as information makes its way around the digital table and into our heads. But this shit has gotten out of control, and our obsession with beating the same horse into a puddle of TMZ-brand glue is now bordering on fetishism.
Dave Grohl Trashes Full-Album Nostalgia Concerts
Below are five of the week’s worst offenders – the stories and celebrities we need to collectively put in a box and forget about, at least until the pendulum of hysteria swings back to center. And you wonder why we can’t have nice things.
Shit We're Sick Of: Nov 14th
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Taylor Swift and Spotify
Taylor was all ‘peace out’ and Spotify was all ‘no, don’t go’ and Taylor was like ‘music aint free, son!’ and Spotify was all ‘YouTube Pandora SoundCloud piracy, bitches!’ and we want to put our heads through a fucking meat grinder. Then Diplo said something about her having no ass, which was absolutely correct. But he took it too far, and Lorde called out his tiny dick. Taylor is undoubtedly too busy picking out a new set of quilted doilies and looking at kitten whiskers on Pinterest to notice or care, but Thom Yorke agrees with her.
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Dave Fucking Grohl
He’s all over your TV, he’s all up in your radio, he's everywhere at once, and legions of bloggy bloggersons breathlessly report his every move and utterance - even though his band’s new album is universally regarded as a lukewarm soundtrack to an HBO show. Now the de facto spokesman, mascot, ambassador and torch-bearer for rock n’ roll is even contemplating starting his own festival. For fuck’s sake, man. Take a year off. Make another Crooked Vultures record. Drink some coffee. We know you love coffee. We love you. Just give us a fucking breather, dude.
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Fake Led Zeppelin Greed-Reunion Stories
Robert Plant is an asshole, you guys! He totally tore up an $800 million contract to reunite Led Zeppelin for the most lucrative tour of all time! They could have even ridden around in Richard Branson’s spaceship if they wanted! Except, oh wait, it’s entirely bullshit. None of it is true. So stop already. Jesus.
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The Fight Against Ebola - The Musical!
It’s bad enough that we’re still dealing with American hyper-hysteria over the organ-liquefying disease from Africa that’s killed exactly ONE person in this country. Now that retardedly bad “Do they know it’s Christmas” song from 1984 is getting a revamped treatment with - get ready for this - One Direction, Adele, Bono, Ellie Goulding, Sinead fucking crazybones O’Connor and a ton of other people you’ve never heard of and would never in your life consider willfully listening to. Not to mention calling for a newly menacing reinterpretation of the line, “tonight thank God it’s them instead of you…”
Is this really the song we want to be fucking playing to help resolve a horrible disease?
Even more ridiculous is that Bob Geldof is organizing Band Aid 30 to help raise money for the cause. Because the UN supposedly called him and requested it. Even the logo – an outline of Africa with BAND AID written across it, along with a hashtag “#E30LA” – feels cheap and insulting.
Meanwhile, education, health care, school programs, national infrastructure, social programs and more are being axed across the board in America while corporate tax-whores avoid paying their share and we commit infinite funds to perpetual worldwide war. Ebola can kiss our collective ass, and so can your stupid-ass tribute concert, Bob Geldof.
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Kim Kardashian’s Greasy Ass
While the world landed a spacecraft on a motherfucking comet this week, nobody was patting Bruce Willis on the back or drying Liv Tyler’s tears. The entirety of social media was instead focused on a greased up Mrs. Kanye West posing in some magazine. You’ve seen her asshole, people. You watched her get railed by a dude on film, and made her impossibly famous for that reason alone. But everybody’s favorite big-assed idiot hobbit is the single most famous woman in the world for having a fake butt and a vampiric business acumen. So we gleefully embrace silly-ass #BreakTheInternet hashtags, and lose our goddamn minds when her tits come out the next day. All the while, the claims of “breaking the internet” keep flowing, as Jennifer Lawrence has herself a little laugh.
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Hobbit Ass Balloon
Photo credit: Reddit
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Hobbit Simpson
Photo credit: Reddit
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Cobra Kardashian
Photo credit: Reddit
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Rick Ross Broke The Internet
Photo credit: Reddit
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Thanksgiving Hobbit
Photo credit: Reddit
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Hobbit Horse
Photo credit: Reddit
