With the remainder of the year firmly entrenched in holiday music overload in the final stretch to Christmas, it’s easy to lose one’s mind in the labyrinth of terrible seasonal songs bombarding us from all sides. It’s in the stores. It’s on the radio. It’s on TV. It’s inescapable, and while we’ve learned to endure the likes of Alvin and The Chipmunks, Dean “Drunk Grandpa” Martin and their ilk in a nostalgic safe zone, some holiday songs are beyond redeemable. It is in this terrible spirit of tenaciously wretched sounds that we bring you the Top 10 Most Ridiculously Bad Christmas Songs of All Time.
We have endured some sonic brutality to compile this list, and though the Christmas is right around the corner, the “sounds of the season” have been irrevocably ruined by the sheer depth of unfathomably terrible songs performed in the name of yuletide cheer.
What in the hell is a yuletide, anyway?
Justin Bieber & Busta Rhymes – “Drummer Boy”
From that first whiny “pah-rum pa pum pum,” we immediately want to smash our stereo. When Bieber starts rapping, however, a new world of disgust is born. He’s bad like Michael Jackson, he’s a contender for the King, and he’s surprised that this isn’t all in the Bible. Do we really need another reason to despise this brat?
DMX – “Rudolph The Red–Nosed Reindeer”
Ok, we’ll admit it: in its own way, this might actually be the most awesome thing ever. We’re still undecided. But extensive laboratory testing has concluded that DMX’s take on Rudolph’s anthem is ruinous to the hearts and minds of children. Never mind his history of crack use, animal cruelty, assault, impersonating an FBI agent and beyond – this is arguably DMX’s worst offense.
The Jingle Cats – “White Christmas”
Because we’re secretly conspiring to drive you completely insane. There is a special circle of Hell reserved for whoever put the endless parade of cat sounds into a “White Christmas” melody.
Willie Robertson of “Duck Dynasty” – “Ragin’ Cajun Redneck Christmas”
Continuing to play on their cheap fake-hillbilly schtick, members of the Duck Dynasty crew pluck the twangy heartstrings with a nonsense song about doing Christmas the redneck way.
Cyndi Lauper – “Christmas Conga”
Like orange juice and cottage cheese, ice-cream and mustard, some flavors should never even be considered for mixing. Cyndi Lauper, Christmas songs and a conga line are a perfect example. This song literally gave us indigestion.
The Cheeky Girls – “Have A Cheeky Christmas”
These unfortunate souls were thrust into our lives via “Britain’s Got Talent,” and now the Cheeky Girls attempt to make our ears bleed with gold booty shorts and awkward asexual dance moves with promises of being our “special dish” if we’re good boys this Christmas. Nope.
Jillian Hall – “I’ll Be Home For Christmas”
WWE Diva Jillian Hall actually released an EP of holiday classics back in 2007, featuring this atrociously terrible rendition. Jillian claims the the bad singing is intentional, which we’re inclined to believe, given that it’s never going to be possible to listen to this song – any version of it – again without cringing and slapping at the speakers.
John Denver – “Please Daddy Don’t Get Drunk This Christmas”
Country music is no stranger to sadness and misery, but John Denver takes it way too far for the holidays with an ultra-painful tale of a little kid begging his father not to get drunk during what’s supposed to be the most wonderful time of the year. Nobody with ears wants any part of a song that, at best, will make us shift uncomfortably, and at worst, be far too relatable not to ruin the day.
Tiny Tim – “Santa Claus Has Got The AIDS”
The Penguin’s rejected son Tiny Tim penned an absurdly offensive, bizarrely terrible anthem to explain why Santa Claus can’t make it down all our chimneys this year. Forget about Grandma getting run over by a reindeer – Santa’s gone terminal.
Band-Aid 1984 – “Do They Know It’s Christmas?”
As a mulleted Bono, flanked by Sting and Duran Duran’s Simon LeBon, encourages us to be “thank God it’s them instead of you,” we’re asked if the 500 million-plus Christians in Africa know if it’s Christmastime at all. The benefit single was rushed to market only four days after it was recorded, without any time for the staggering number of artists involved to question the taste of bleeding-heart condescension. It sold over a million copies during its first week of release.
NewSong – “The Christmas Shoes”
NewSong has made it their singular purpose to create a vomitously cheesy Christmas anthem in which the narrator (played by Rob Lowe in the video) meets a little boy who’s “dirty from head to toe” and who asks him to buy a pair of shoes for his dying mother, so she’ll be ready when she “meets Jesus tonight.” Whatever the true spirit of Christmas is, this song has taken an axe to it. Seriously, it’s a Christmas miracle the entire holiday season wasn’t cancelled after the cheap heartstring manipulation of this gaudy heap of tinsel-laced ass.
…And to all a good night!
