Who doesn’t love candy? Unless the diabetes fairy has paid you an unfortunate visit, candy is a universally loved treat that keeps Halloween from simply being a contest to see how girls can out-slut each other’s outfits. What would Halloween be without candy? Basically a lot of sad kids dragging bags full of apples, useless trinkets and other healthy snacks we’re throwing right in the damn garbage. We’re still pissed about those stupid ten-penny stacks and pencils the neighbors gave out when we were kids…
In the honor of Halloween’s imminent takeover, we’re helping get the sugarball rolling by compiling a collection of the most awesome songs about sweets. To keep things spooky, made it an ominously ghoulish thirteen. So, without further ado, here are Thirteen Awesome Songs About Candy.
13. “I Love Rocky Road” – Weird Al Yankovic
A parody of a cover? Yep, pretty much. Originally, “I Love Rock And Roll” was belted out by British band The Arrows. Later, Joan Jett would give the song a kick in the nuts, make it sexier, and really own the tune from then on. Weird Al Yankovic decided it should be one of his inaugural parodies, along with “Oh Ricky” and “Eat It”. Not just a classic Weird Al tune, the video is also brilliant.
Best Lyric: If I get fat/and lose my teeth/that’s fine with me/Just lock me in the freezer/and throw away the key
Also: Ghoulish Tunes: Top 10 Songs About The Devil
12. “Sugar Dumpling” – Sam Cooke
Not as popular as “Twisting The Night Away”, or “You Send Me,” this 1965 song, praising a wonderful girlfriend though a series of odd lyrical vignettes, hit 32 on the pop charts and 18 on the R&B Charts. Few people could take a bubblegum pop vibe and give it real soul the way Cooke could.
Best Lyric: Oh whenever I’m feeling bad/Right away she puts me to bed/And she hires two nurses, one to hold my hand/the other to rub my head
11. “Milkshake” – Kelis
Written by The Neptunes, “Milkshake” is the former Mrs. Nas’ biggest hit. The singer has often said to the press that the term milkshake means “Whatever you want it to mean”. We call BS – the song is about those feminine wiles that drive men insane. There’s little else to go running to the yard for.
Best Lyric: My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard/And they’re like/It’s better than yours
Also: 13 Bands That’d Make Great Halloween Costumes
10. “Lollipop” – The Chordettes
This song is not just a classic piece of pop confection, about a classic piece of pop confection, it also has a Halloween connection. The Chordettes are the group behind “Mr. Sandman”, a song used predominately in Halloween II. As for the tune Lollipop itself, get your mind out of the gutter.
Best Lyric: And When He Doesn’t Shake/He Rocks And Dance/And Than I Don’t Stand A Chance
9. “Big Rock Candy Mountain” – Harry McClintock
Originally recorded in 1928 by Harry McClintock (under the name Haywire Mac), the song’s origin was steeped in controversy. McClintock’s first version was about a young child being lured into the hobo way of life through promises of living in the hobo paradise of Big Rock Candy Mountain. A cleaned up version was a mild hit for McClintock in 1939, but the real fame for the song came with the sanitized Burl Ives recording in 1949. Decades later, McClintock’s version would find new life through the O Brother Where Art Thou soundtrack.
Best Lyric: Where They Hung The Jerk/Who Invented Work/On The Big Rock Candy Mountain
8. “Chocolate Chip” – Isaac Hayes
After the monster soul album “Black Moses”, Isaac Hayes released “Joy” and then a live album, before stepping into the world of disco with the album “Chocolate Chip”. The record spawned two hit singles, and was Hayes’ last hit record of the seventies.
Best Lyrics: There are lyrics on one version of “Chocolate Chip” but I’ll be damned if I can understand them.
