For decades now, The Devil has been getting all the heat (pun fully intended) for awful music. Most of this damnation has come from the Christian community, claiming the Prince of Darkness (no, not Ozzy) has infiltrated the music world and continues to pump out horrendous gateways to sin via bands like Slayer, Judas Priest, Black Sabbath and so on. These bands and so many others like them are the scourge of our times, according to so many among the devoutly pure, a direct gateway to evil and hellfire.
So, we should assume that being a Christian musician automatically makes one an excellent musician, right? If you have good ol’ J.C. on your side then you must shred like white lightning and topple kingdoms with your righteous sounds. Right? Well, not exactly. What we found was far from that. In fact, while we’re all for religious freedom, evidence is abundant to support our findings that Christian rock is some of the most unintentionally funny, terrible music ever made.
Blasphemy, you say? Are you watching for lightning to strike us down? Then allow these 10 Unintentionally Hilarious Christian Music Videos to keep you company while you’re on the lookout.
We’ll start with an obvious one. Impending Doom are a Christian death metal band that attempt to preach the Gospel through unintelligible vocals. Good move. I’m assuming this video was to show the many levels of suffering brought upon the non-believer or how turning your back on their one, specific, interpretation of God will end up in a life filled with maggots, roaches, blood, barbed wire and a really silly looking Satan.
This soulless jam is from Larry Norman and Geoff Moore, a Christian band looking to explain that the Devil shouldn’t have all the good music. Wait. Hold on. Does that mean these devout followers of the Lord think the Devil’s music is good? Apparently Moore and Norman sat down and listened to their own work and then decided that yes, the Devil does have all the good music.
Right before I was going to be saved, I thought to myself, “Wait. Does Christian music have awful jock rock?” Phew, they do. Disciple is what would happen if you took the “talent” out of Creed. Imagine the horrors. Black and white. Crowd shots. Shots of the band “rocking” on stage. Shots of the band goofing around and being kooky and/or deep in thought while on the road? I guess involving the Lord doesn’t mean your creativity is guaranteed.
A band dressed like screaming queens playing in a leather bar with half dressed burly men? Did I mention the band is called Jet Circus and they combine electronic beats with bad hair metal? Hey, why shouldn’t the Christians have to deal with hair metal, we who rock in the burning lake of fire certainly do. If this was a parody it would be genius, the fact that it’s real is terrifying.
“Jesus Is Alright” originally came from 1966 gospel group the Art Reynolds Singers. The song was so powerful that both The Byrds and The Doobie Brothers recorded a version of it. Then, in the early nineties, Christian group DC Talk created a most wretched hip-hop version. Not only is this one of the silliest “updates” to a great song I’ve ever heard, the video is a shot by shot reminder of why we must never allow the nineties to happen again.
Hey, I like a music video shot in a department store as much as the next guy, but Jim Blackmon takes the fun out of it. I was unaware when Jesus returned he wanted an eighties montage song to be his entrance theme. Take any eighties iconic montage whether it’s teens shopping, a burnt out cop following a suspect or a sports team trying to improve enough to win the big game. Then, put “Jesus Christ Is Coming” over it and watch it work. I could also get into the title’s double entendre, include some cheap shots on bad priests, but I’m above that. (Dig the Christian Wolfman Jack who intros the song)
The ego of this song and video are staggering. Apparently even if science proves there is no God, these guys will lead the masses to the truth. I love all the band members finding out about the scientific Devil dismantling their God by way of various electronic sources. Shouldn’t you dudes find this out in church? I also love that if science proves that the idea of God is a myth, then the only God that will truly survive is their Christian one? My personal favorite is the drummer’s insane overacting, though the end message that by believing in God they became rock stars is pretty amazing.
I have no idea who Sonseed are or how this video got made and I don’t care. A gaggle of folks in polyester singing an upbeat ska song about Jesus being their friend is all I need. I know these folks were probably very intense in their belief about this song, which makes it one of the best unintentionally funny videos I’ve ever seen. Others must agree because “Jesus Is My Friend” has been covered several times.
This was almost the number one hysterical video for obvious reasons. Shall we count them? The weird shuffle dance? The Partridge Family style little kid on the drums who isn’t actually playing anything? The fact that nobody could head bang in unison, no matter how hard they tried? The hellishly bad female singer? The creepy dad guy who sings almost as badly as the girl? Perhaps it’s the third screamer kid who serves no purpose. Ludicia is so bad I almost want them to be kidding.
There are no words. Nothing we can say could paint a picture as vibrant as the video.
There it is. Ten Christian bands and videos that are simply too funny to be believed.
Amen.
