If you haven’t yet watched HBO’s Succession, then find a friend that has HBO Max and make them lend you their security credentials ASAP. While Game of Thrones made every attempt to fill the void left by The Sopranos on HBO, it never really reached the heights that Succession has. The HBO series is a brilliant and satirical roman a’ clef of the powerful Murdoch family. Logan Roy is the seemingly indestructible patriarch of rival sons and a daughter vying to take over his fiercely conservative news channel empire.
But this series is so much more than just satirizing an arcane and uber-wealthy family. Rather, its primary goal is to show all the warts of the elite and the weirdness of rich people. It’s Shakespearean in both its acting and brilliant zingers, but it also highlights the familial psychology of Freud, Greek tragedy, and King Lear (a role starring actor Brian Cox actually played).
Naturally, Mr. Roy has all the cuddliness and likability of an eel. Nonetheless, you still can’t help but root for the bastard in some weird and perverse way. Even if he’s not winning any Father of the Year Awards, Logan assumed custody of his kids so that he could use them as bargaining chips and, ultimately, raise them to become the severely broken people they are.
In honor of this bad dad who is somehow still at the helm of the family business, we put together this Logan Roy guide to perfect parenting.
Cover Photo: Macall Polay / HBO
logan roy guide to parenting
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1. Divide and Conquer Strategy
When you're a conservative news media mogul lacking a soul, you'll want your kids to be fiercely competitive among themselves. So sit back and watch them bicker and fight over their mistaken belief that your company will be theirs.
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2. Insult Your Son's Manhood
You didn't get this far in life by being nice to anyone, especially not to your own kids. So if you feel like your son is not taking on enough female conquests, be sure to insult his manhood at the worst time to live rent-free in his head.
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3. Inflict Psychological Abuse
You want your children to be overly ambitious and attention-seeking like you, but you also don't want them thinking they can ever surpass you, right? Well, Logan Roy has the solution to raising your kids with such ruthlessness that it has them all messed up in the head when bad things affect them.
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4. Offer Kind Words of Encouragement
Your kids are not meant to be coddled or enjoyed; they're meant to be manipulated and used as patsies for your past mistakes. So if the day ever comes where they don't go along with one of your well-hatched schemes, then sue to let them know that you will grind their bones to the f'ing ground.
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5. Let Them Know How You Really Feel
If you're a grouchy and ill-tempered billionaire like Logan Roy, you haven't any time for discussions about feelings. So if your kids ever come to you with some pain-in-the-ass problems, just tell them to eff off and they will soon be on their way to success.
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6. Use Their Pushover Spouses Against Them
Logan Roy is the type of billionaire who needs a good slimy sycophant to do his dirty work. So if you want to get ahead with the help of a loyal minion while teaching your children a harsh lesson, get yourself a Tom Wambsgans.
