Let’s take a moment to trash some movie stars. Why not? We deserve it. We’re all so busy tackling comedians and lengthening various parts of our bodies that we forget to take time to smell the roses. Whoever said negativity doesn’t warm the cockles never subtracted the cost of living to imagine a life without student debt and health insurance.
OK, you caught us. We totally have an ulterior motive here. Maybe chugging the swill of neverending political insanity and planetary woe is causing us inexplicable micro-aggression flare-ups, like acid reflux for the soul with no Tums large enough to ease the pain. Or maybe following the sudden retirement of Bruce Willis, we have to channel our inner sadness into the focused bashing of innocent movie stars to feel better. Everybody copes with grief differently.
So don’t worry if your favorite actor is on this list. It’s just a friendly game of Sophie’s Choice without the tears and none of the guilt. (Not to mention, retirement doesn’t mean what it used to. Just ask Tom Brady, Jay-Z, Steven Soderbergh, Doja Cat, and Jim Carrey probably.)
So, who wants to play? We’ll go first.
Cover Photo: ROBYN BECK (Getty Images)
8 actors volunteer retirement
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Jaden Smith
Isn't it nice to completely agree on something for a change?
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Jared Leto
You had to have seen this coming, right buddy? We'd just forgiven you for Suicide Squad when Morbius landed in our laps like a bucket of half-eaten chicken wings someone threw out their car window after sneezing into it. Take a seat, friend. We'll call you when another comic book franchise needs ruining.
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Mark Wahlberg
Don't get us wrong. Marky Mark has made some real winners over the years, including Three Kings, Boogie Nights, and Fear. But listen, Wahlberg is already planning to retire AFTER he makes a shitload of Christian films. Maybe just skip that part?
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MGK
No explanation needed.
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Miley Cyrus
When Miley originally retired from acting in 2013, the world breathed a collective sigh of relief. But then she returned to the small screen in 2019 for one episode of Black Mirror that came dangerously close to destroying the whole series (had it not been for the off button). We can't handle another scare like that.
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Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson
Your contribution to cinema has been more than generous, Mr. The Rock. Hercules? The Tooth Fairy? Baywatch? Come on man, you've done it all. Enjoy the spoils.
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Ryan Reynolds
We love Ryan Reynolds as much as the next guy. But when he announced he was stepping back from acting to focus on family, we weren't mad. Until we realized his movies were going to keep coming out en masse for all eternity. It's time to give another funny Canadian leading man the chance to oversaturate our lives, eh?
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Will Smith
Make history, Will Smith. Be the first person to go out on top whilst hitting rock bottom at the same damn time. (Sorry, not sorry.)
