In season one, episode eight of HBO’s Succession, Tom Wambsgans (Matthew Macfadyen) tells his lackey/human punching bag, Greg Hirsch (Nicholas Braun), “She kisses me and puts it back in my mouth, and I swallowed.” After being given a hall pass by his fiancee (on the night of his bachelor party), Tom swallows his splooge, becoming a “closed-loop system,” to avoid cheating.
This gleeful admission epitomizes Tom’s character in Succession; infatuated with wealth and power, Tom often humiliates himself to be accepted by the Roy family. He swallows whatever is left of his pride (among other things) for “success” —both in his relationships and career. Has he guzzled more than he can stomach? That’s for you to decide. However, if you’re interested in the world of Steve Harvey suits, conglomerate takeovers, and have zero respect for yourself, here’s Tom Wambsgans’ Expert Advice For Swallowing Your Own Pride (Amongst Other Things Inside You).
Cover Photo: HBO
The more you know: What Your Favorite Succession Character Says About You
More good advice: The Johnny Depp-Amber Heard Dating Guide to Ending Your Relationship Amicably
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Tom Wambsgans
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Assume the position, and try not to choke on your ego.
Why do you exist? Do you come from money? If not, find a family that owns a media conglomerate that runs a Fox-news-y channel, pursue a romantic relationship with the patriarch's daughter, and put yourself in a position to stomach humiliation while you kiss a load of ass (and get a job working for them).
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Let some things go (most things).
A barrage of insults, watery eyes, general discomfort; it's all par for the course. You're going to feel like furniture at times (and you are if you want a seat at the table). This means that even your bachelor party may be hijacked at some point, excluding your closest friends and ultimately ending up at a rave, put in a position where both you and your fiancee have agreed to do whatever the heart desires. Unfortunately, you're swallowing your own baby batter and your lady is reconnecting with her ex-boyfriend, Nate.
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Apologize, even if it doesn’t make sense.
Never risk offending anyone above you. Acknowledge anything you could have done, express remorse, and offer restitution.
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Ask questions.
Knowledge is power.
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Remember that you're kind of an idiot.
Listen to your heart, you know it to be true. You want to be an executive, but you’re only pretending to have things figured out. Most of the time you even manage to convince yourself you’re royalty. You’re not. The truth is, you're just another monkey grasping at superiority. However, keep telling yourself that you're wealthy, respected, powerful, and be patient. One day, all of that built-up angst, anger, and shame can be directed towards someone beneath you.
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Find an understudy.
Like a gift from God, a far-removed relative of the wealthy family you have aligned yourself with will show up looking for a job. Take this person under your wing. He/she will be the soapbox upon which you can now stand.
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Own them.
Give them a little bit of power and money. Be a little cruel to them every chance you get. Scratch that, berate them; all of the shit you take from above, they'll take from you (and somehow take it in stride).
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Embrace your newfound power because it's all you have.
You're going to feel better than you ever have before. It's going to be like you only pretended to swallow your pride and actually just let it dribble out the side of your mouth and into theirs...er something like that.
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Enjoy the little things (continue lying to yourself).
Life is good: you're marrying the patriarch's daughter, she's supposedly taking over as CEO for the company, and is going to let you inherit it eventually (she won't). Also, she's not cheating on you (she is).
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When you get promoted, take on all of the family's problems.
Whether it be because of your therapeutic new apprentice or the ongoing power struggle, you'll get promoted to chairman of the conservative news channel. When you settle into your new position, you'll be informed of the legal ramifications—the former chairman covered up a slew of rape and sexual assault crimes. No matter. Get your understudy to dispose of evidence.
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Be nice to your understudy (but only this once).
Take him out to a fancy dinner as a thank you for being your little shit.
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Things may get a little out of hand.
There will be an investigation. Pretend not to know your understudy.
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Bend over.
Hey, you signed up for this.
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Fear for your life.
You'll probably be offered up as a blood sacrifice.
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Do not let your understudy leave your side.
An "open business relationship?" When the going gets tough, the tough get going. It's .05 seconds too late for them to spit, like you, they've already committed to swallowing.
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Tom Wambsgans #16
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Tom Wambsgans #17
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Kick your wife's manstress out of your wedding.
Even though you're okay she's banging him...
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Be open to learning about yourself.
Maybe you're not interested in a threesome with your wife and are pissed your wife bought up wanting an open relationship on your wedding night (you said yes initially of course)... Are there any long-term side effects of having that in your stomach on a regular basis?
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Come to terms with your misery.
If swallowing your pride to such an extent has made you happy, great. If not, confess to your wife that you're unhappy with the relationship. Spit it out already.
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Fuck it. Eat your father-in-law's chicken.
It's your mouth at the end of the day, you should have free reign to decide what ends up inside.
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Tom Wambsgans #22
Roll on season three.
