The bad trip that is COVID-19 got a little worse for tech bros, fake hippies, and furries earlier this month. On April 11, Burning Man canceled its annual barbeque. But, Burning Man is more than just a party for rich people built on the idea of decommodification. It’s also a business that sells tickets for $1,400 a pop. This year’s moneymaker is deader than the Fyre Festival. Even 2021’s Burn may fail to ignite. However, Burning Man’s CEO Marian Goodell — yes, they have one — isn’t giving up.
Goodell plans to keep the party alive online. That’s right, now you can burn out from the comfort of your luxury condo or bougie bunker. Virtual Black Rock City might lack the dust and drugs Burners love. Wealthy attendees may not be able to hire “sherpas” to wait on them. But, going all online will be better for the Earth. Here are 10 silver linings to the cancellation of this year’s Burning Man (aka Mark Zuckerberg’s birthday party).
Cover Photo: Spencer Weiner / Contributor (Getty Images)
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Burning Man Goes Viral, Transmitted Online Instead of Sexually
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All the Face Masks Saved
The Playa’s dust is as much a part of Burning Man’s mystique as the orgy tent. This year, Burners can put their dust masks to work helping slow the spread of COVID-19.
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More Visitors to Burn2, Second Life’s Burning Man
Since 2003, the avatars of Second Life have cut loose at Burn2, an online extension of the desert bacchanalia. This online party is set to step into the limelight this year, as its virtual island location is a perfect fake escape destination.
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Less Roadkill
Whacky mutant vehicles are some of Burning Man’s most recognizable icons. However, by keeping these road warriors in the garage, it’s likely thousands of animals will be spared from becoming roadkill pizzas.
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Virtual Fun in the Multiverse
While you may not be able to pitch a tent or luxury yurt in the Playa this year, you can still get welcomed home at Virtual Black Rock City 2020. Anyone can offer their suggestions by visiting the site, keeping the event’s spirit alive.
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All the Money People Can Now Donate to Good Causes
With tickets running anywhere from $350 to $1,400, plus another $100 for a vehicle pass and much more for supplies, Burning Man is an expensive undertaking. Instead of wasting money on their own pleasure, this year Burners can donate their excess capital to help those in need.
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Always Being Able to Use the Toilet
The Playa is fun, mysterious, and full of beautiful people in various stages of undress, but it’s sorely lacking in the toilet department. Since this year's festivities are all online, at least your loo is never too far.
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Annoying Burners Will Be Less Annoying
Just like anything, some Burners take their love for the annual party a little too far, constantly droning on about how “amazing” it is. At least being on quarantine means we won’t have to hear about how much better last year’s Burn was or how we haven’t lived until we’ve shelled out $500 for tickets to a Port-a-Potty convention in Nevada.
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Reduced Carbon Footprint
Almost 70,000 people took part in Burning Man 2019, generating tons of air pollution and plenty of trash. Keeping all these folks at home not burning giant structures will prevent a lot of carbon from going into the atmosphere, which is good for Mother Earth.
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Lots of Cool Online Workshops
It seems like the online Burning Man community won’t just offer fun activities, but also useful ones as well. Yoga classes, tech training, and body painting courses are all likely candidates.
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Fewer STDs
Burners share everything, which unfortunately sometimes includes sexually transmitted diseases that make it burn when you pee. This year’s orgy can be a CDC-approved online wankfest the likes of which the world has never seen or asked to see.
